Weariness and Service

It is amazing what God will whisper to you. He gives me what I need when I need it.

This has been a heartbreaking week for our country. Obviously we have all heard what happened last Saturday when 30 of our troops were killed in a chopper crash in Afghanistan. 3/4 of those men were members of Navy SEAL Team 6.

One of my best friends is also a SEAL. Praise God he was home in the US when this happened (he was relieved from deployment in Afghanistan a few months ago when those killed replaced him and the others); but I am certain there have been many moments this week that he wished it was him and not his fallen brothers. What a burden to think "that could've been me..." when you know you were on countless choppers in countless firefights just like his best buds.

I have been so heavy hearted for those families who lost their men: fathers, husbands, sons, brothers and obviously, friends.

In addition to that, Dan and I learned that two of the pilots Dan used to work with (when he was the intelligence officer for a fighter squadron several years ago) were also killed when a gunman entered the Kabul, AFG airport and opened fire. 9 of our civilians and troops were killed when that happened. 2 of them were fine fighter pilots who were also husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, friends....

War is a terrible thing. It is awful to observe from afar and it is even more painful when there are faces to the names of the fallen.

I haven't been sleeping much and I am not sure why. My doctor gave me a prescription for a sleep aid but that thing makes me crazy! And I mean crazy: I will get up at night and not have any recollection of it. My only clues being that Dan will notice/see me get up and/or things are left out of place letting me know I was roaming. Scary, I know!

So I am trying to avoid taking it. But that means I will wake up in the wee hours and not be able to go back to sleep. Agh, I am tired! Noah doesn't start "school" till Monday so my days have been long with the two babies. Long, but extremely fulfilling. I love being able to stay home with them in these young years.

Last night was another long night for some reason. I woke up at 2 am and didn't go back to sleep at all. Then Noah woke up early to go to the bathroom and then Ellyotte woke up so we were all up way too early! By 8 am, I wanted to go back to bed. It felt like we had had a full day already.

I drank coffee, a Spark energy drink, ate breakfast, took my vitamins. But nothing was working at giving me the pep I needed just to make it to nap time. So, when all else fails: hit the WORD, right?!

I opened up my "Jesus Calling" devotional (awesome. by Sarah Young) and wouldn't you know that August 12th was from Romans 8:26:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

I didn't even ask Him in advance for food for my weak and weary spirit. Yet, He knew I needed it and gave it to me anyway. The devotion was perfect:

"Come to me when you are weak and weary, Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. ... your weakness draws Me closer to you."

That is so hard to do: draw close to God when you are weak/weary. Because it takes energy to draw close to Him. It takes an effort to go get my Bible and find some quiet moments to spend with just Him. As any mom knows, quiet moments don't exist unless you make time for them. I am so glad that I did this morning. Yes, I am still tired physically but my spirit is energized. Praise God for that!

Hearts will always be broken, our spirits will always be weak but how thankful I am to have a heavenly father who knows my heart and my weakness every minute of my day. I just got an email from a family friend who is deployed in Afghanistan currently. He sent it to his family following the horrible crash. His unit gathered in formation to honor the victims immediately after his commander learned of the accident. In the email, he shared that the co-pilot (CW4 Carter) of the chopper had a tattoo on his arm that said:

"When I get to Heaven, to St. Peter I will tell 'Here I am reporting, sir! I have spent my time in hell."

Don't we all feel like that sometimes? This earth is so temporary and all the trappings of it are so fleeting. I hope that CW4 Carter - and all of the other brave men - now is experiencing the joys of the heaven he longed to receive.

Noah notices the American flag wherever we go. I recite the Pledge of Allegiance to him daily so he will learn it like I learned it at a young age. Yesterday, as we walked into Wal Mart, he asked me why the flag was only "halfway up." I told him - as best as I could - that it was because our country was very sad. I told him that we lost a lot of good soldiers this week. He asked a few questions and then we moved on. When Dan got home, he said "Daddy, our Merican flag isn't all the way up. Merica is sad cause lots of soldiers died." It was a moving moment as I watched my toddler tell his daddy that while Dan was standing there in his uniform.

I am proud of my little family and of my husband who selflessly wears that uniform every day. And while Dan sometimes feels like he's not giving back eternally in the career field he is currently serving, I am proud that he raises his hand every day and says "Here I am Lord, send me" by way of serving his country. And I am honored to be able to raise our children with Dan as he teaches them the meaning of service by doing exactly what he's doing: serving.

So while I am weary, and while my heart is heavy, I am thankful for today. And thankful that God has given me and mine the gift of today because tomorrow is not promised. And because of that, I will find the energy to fully enjoy the moment. One day, we will all find ourselves heartbroken as our loved ones go on before us so today, let's love and be loved and serve and be served and give thanks and be thankful for today.