Here we are: just over 2 days before my little Noah Man turns 3.
I can think back to 3 years ago... I was so far past my due date that it was no longer laughable. My mom and I prayed constantly that he would come on his own. However, I was induced 10 days past my due date (Feb 2, 2008) and after 36 hours, our stubborn red head made his dramatic debut via an emergency c-section.
When he entered this world in a hospital in Hawaii on February 12, 2008 at 7:15 pm, I was depleted. He - and my experience - had depleted my energy, my excitement, and all of my dreams for a natural childbirth. I do think that coupled with my horrible birthing experience and Dan working 15 hour nightshifts for Noah's first 15 months, I entered a dark, dark time of post-partum depression.
He wasn't easy - not for a second: he had colic, he never slept, I was clueless, he wouldn't breastfeed, he wouldn't self-soothe, I could NOT calm him... the list goes on and on.
Nonetheless, his little stubborn spirit was the sweetest of any I had ever encountered. I loved him with a love that I never dreamed was possible. My life meant nothing in the face of his; Dan and I were blinded by our passion for the little soul that had entered our home. And here we are three years later; reeling from how fast his first years have flown by. I look into his green eyes - the biggest eyes and longest lashes we have ever seen - and I have such hope. Hope for the man of God he will become, hope for the family he will one day love more than his next breath, and hope for how he will contribute to the Eternity I believe he will inherit one day.
My little red head has sent my life as I knew it into a tailspin. He makes parenting Ellyotte seem a cakewalk. We skipped Noah's terrible twos and have gone straight into the terrible threes. I spend hours on end each day trying to figure out my next move. He constantly wants to be entertained, wants to be held, wants to be mean - he's a mixture of so much agression and love that it is terribly confusing when Dan or I try to parent him. The emotions swirling inside his little body are out of control and he doesn't know how to express himself. Thus, he ends up behaving so badly that I am embarrassed. For him and for us as his parents.
Just today, I was crying to my mom that I am so torn. I spend all day each day in almost hand-to-hand combat with him; I haven't met anyone else as strong willed as Noah. He wears me out to the point that I am in tears. I told my mom that I feel such guilt: guilt because the coveted moments I finally get to myself, I miss him. But when we are together, it is an absolute WAR of wills. I feel bad that I can't entertain him like he wants to be entertained. I feel guilty that I want to be away from him but then I miss him on the rare occasion that we are apart.
My mom reminded me that it is not my job to "enjoy" Noah 24 hours a day. My job is to PARENT him. He is my responsibility and when we are able to enjoy each other, I should count it a blessing. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I want to delight in both of my children every minute of each day but that isn't realistic. It IS realistic that I am responsible to parent them both to the best of my ability and in the process, God will bless me/Dan with the enjoyment and delight we so crave.
My prayer is that we are able to embrace this year ahead of us. We are sad as we enter our third year as Noah's parents because he is growing so fast. He is becoming a little boy capable of making his own decisions and having an opinion. But, in the quiet nap hour in my bed each day, I am able to cuddle with that little man and inhale his sweet scent and cuddle the baby that he still is to me and to his daddy.
It is in those quiet moments that I am reminded of the precious, sacred love that God has for each of us. To think of how much I love my children and compare it to the love our Father has for us is hard to comprehend.
To our Noah Everard Beall: Happy 3rd Birthday. You are the blessing we feel so undeserving of and we treasure you and your sister above all else.
