Here we are: just over 2 days before my little Noah Man turns 3.
I can think back to 3 years ago... I was so far past my due date that it was no longer laughable. My mom and I prayed constantly that he would come on his own. However, I was induced 10 days past my due date (Feb 2, 2008) and after 36 hours, our stubborn red head made his dramatic debut via an emergency c-section.
When he entered this world in a hospital in Hawaii on February 12, 2008 at 7:15 pm, I was depleted. He - and my experience - had depleted my energy, my excitement, and all of my dreams for a natural childbirth. I do think that coupled with my horrible birthing experience and Dan working 15 hour nightshifts for Noah's first 15 months, I entered a dark, dark time of post-partum depression.
He wasn't easy - not for a second: he had colic, he never slept, I was clueless, he wouldn't breastfeed, he wouldn't self-soothe, I could NOT calm him... the list goes on and on.
Nonetheless, his little stubborn spirit was the sweetest of any I had ever encountered. I loved him with a love that I never dreamed was possible. My life meant nothing in the face of his; Dan and I were blinded by our passion for the little soul that had entered our home.
And here we are three years later; reeling from how fast his first years have flown by. I look into his green eyes - the biggest eyes and longest lashes we have ever seen - and I have such hope. Hope for the man of God he will become, hope for the family he will one day love more than his next breath, and hope for how he will contribute to the Eternity I believe he will inherit one day.
My little red head has sent my life as I knew it into a tailspin. He makes parenting Ellyotte seem a cakewalk. We skipped Noah's terrible twos and have gone straight into the terrible threes. I spend hours on end each day trying to figure out my next move. He constantly wants to be entertained, wants to be held, wants to be mean - he's a mixture of so much agression and love that it is terribly confusing when Dan or I try to parent him. The emotions swirling inside his little body are out of control and he doesn't know how to express himself. Thus, he ends up behaving so badly that I am embarrassed. For him and for us as his parents.
Just today, I was crying to my mom that I am so torn. I spend all day each day in almost hand-to-hand combat with him; I haven't met anyone else as strong willed as Noah. He wears me out to the point that I am in tears. I told my mom that I feel such guilt: guilt because the coveted moments I finally get to myself, I miss him. But when we are together, it is an absolute WAR of wills. I feel bad that I can't entertain him like he wants to be entertained. I feel guilty that I want to be away from him but then I miss him on the rare occasion that we are apart.
My mom reminded me that it is not my job to "enjoy" Noah 24 hours a day. My job is to PARENT him. He is my responsibility and when we are able to enjoy each other, I should count it a blessing. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I want to delight in both of my children every minute of each day but that isn't realistic. It IS realistic that I am responsible to parent them both to the best of my ability and in the process, God will bless me/Dan with the enjoyment and delight we so crave.
My prayer is that we are able to embrace this year ahead of us. We are sad as we enter our third year as Noah's parents because he is growing so fast. He is becoming a little boy capable of making his own decisions and having an opinion. But, in the quiet nap hour in my bed each day, I am able to cuddle with that little man and inhale his sweet scent and cuddle the baby that he still is to me and to his daddy.
It is in those quiet moments that I am reminded of the precious, sacred love that God has for each of us. To think of how much I love my children and compare it to the love our Father has for us is hard to comprehend.
To our Noah Everard Beall: Happy 3rd Birthday. You are the blessing we feel so undeserving of and we treasure you and your sister above all else.
4 comments:
Such a sweet post. They do grow so fast. Parenting is such a hard, wonderful, and honorable blessing all at the same time. I believe that it teaches us what love really is. Beautiful post. Happy 3rd birthday to Noah!
Wow, what your Mom said really made ME feel better too! lol..I have felt a little guilt here and there for not enjoying every moment with our new baby, especially when he's screaming at 2am, but she's right..it's not our job to enjoy every moment. I will have to remeber that :)
Hey there. I came across this post and had to comment. Reading your description of parenting Noah is such a mirror image of raising our little red at times. So many emotions and ups and downs, and sometimes he has no idea how to control them. I look forward to downtime as well, but I honestly miss him within the first hour that we are separated. Maybe it's just a red headed thing? :). They are so passionate, though, and I can't wait to see what he does with all of it in the years to come. AND...I also feel like parenting our baby girl is a SINCH compared to that little guy. Too funny! I loved reading the words your mom shared. That is so true and something that I needed to hear. This was such a sweet post. Happy Birthday, Noah!
What your mom said is so true. My mother has said that to me for oh, about 5 years now! Ava was (and still is) a difficult baby/child. She's so strong-willed and independent - wonderful qualities in a person...but so so frustrating to parent to. Her Terrible Twos really were pretty terrible. Even now that she's 5, there are still days when I say that I could cheerfully throttle her. I know this isn't helpful, but this WILL pass. I thought Ava's 2s would last forever, but even looking back now it seems like such a short time period.
I definitely understand about postpartum depression, too, since I'm going through it a second time now. Parenting is so hard, and it's so hard to not take everything personally - because raising your kids and having a family are such personal things. I think being a mommy is the great equalizer in this world - because at the end of the day, your kids don't care if you're the richest, most beautiful celebrity in the world or the poorest mom on the block...they're still going to drive you absolutely batty and make you love them even more every single day. Hang in there, Katie...and try not to cheerfully throttle Noah! ;)
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