I have started to write a blog entry time after time and have slammed my computer shut. Y'all know I'm real - but staying real on a daily basis is hard.
(take a deep breath, GO.....) I've been dealing with serious depression. There. You know what's wrong. Since at least last Thanksgiving, I've been on a downward spiral. I hit rock bottom during my sisters bachelorette weekend in New Orleans. I'll spare y'all the details but I was a nanosecond away from self combustion.
I miss my husband, my babies (while beautiful) are such a handful, transitioning from America to Japan, living in meantime with my family, it's been a tough time for me. Yea, it could be much much worse but I was in some dark places. Closest I've ever been from marking "yes" on the doctors questionnaire about if you want to hurt yourself..... That bad.
After an emergency visit to the psychiatrist here in Montgomery, (and short of being committed) I was prescribed some meds and within 48 hours, I felt a foot closer to normal.
When you are that depressed, you think you are normal. Yet those around you are broken trying to make you see how broken you are! It's a vicious cycle.
These months home before heading to Japan have been blessed but so trying. It's a humbling experience to walk outta the fog that depression leaves you in and realize you have a LOT to account for; lots of folks who deserve reconciliation because of my faults.
A friend I haven't been. A good wife, Nope. An attentive mom, I've tried. A best friend to my sister, what's that? You get the drift.
I'm daily walking more closely hand on hand with my God. And am the biggest proponent of medication; it has been what allowed me to feel normal again. And if I'm on it for the rest of my earthly days, I'm cool with that because the darkness I've been wading thru has been way brutal.
There. Ya have it. I'm not strong, I'm not a great military wife. I am trying to make it one breath to the next for myself, my husband, my babies, my family and my friends. If I've hurt you, please forgive me. I'm truly sorry.
Love, Me.
Our Babies
4 comments:
This is so sad, yet so validating for so many of us like you! We are not alone, and good for you in seeking help. As a faithful reader of your blog, I knew that something was out of place when you didn't travel with your husband and decided to stay back with your family. I am sure It felt secure in the face of so much uncertainty, but I am sure it didn't provide you the answers you needed. Maybe by hitting this realization it can make you stronger. God bless you...
Oh dear! I liked it better when we were hearing 'bout your beautiful kids and chopping that hair off....Lord knows the difficulties you are going through. You are a strong woman...everyone has lows, but it's the ones who confront them that can overcome.
Sounds like a tumultuous time....you hold not feel ashamed. Your friends and family WILL pick you up and understand. You are a true friend, doll. Now when you going to take that hair REAL short and give us ladies our next mommy fashion trend?
I have so been in that dark place, that you r now finding your way out of. I know the reality of admitting your weakness when so many just expect to see your strength. Until you have walked down the road of depression it is a hard thing to explain. Especially , the way it can patiently attack u a inch at a time. All of a sudden before you realize it it has control of your entire being. When you r unable to no longer hide it from family, friends r yourself you come to the realization of how bad it really is. You r among us lucky ones, that seek to get help and sometimes that help comes in the form of a pill. I feel the same as you. I do not care if I have to take it the rest of my life, I never want to go back into that dark place. We lost a cousin (Freddy ) to that dark hole. I know you did not get a chance to know him but he was an awesome guy and not only our cousin but my friend. So in saying that , I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for continuing to fight this battle and not just given up. I want you to know Katie, you r not alone. We did not have the oppirtunity to grow up in the same town, but you r still my cousin and I will always be here for you no matter what. I love you very much ! Daphine
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