Prior to becoming Noah's mom, when I thought of the hardest career fields, I thought of air traffic control or funeral home directors. Not parenting. Yet never in my entire life have I felt more helpless or out of control or unsure as I do each day that I try to parent.
Today has been difficult - actually the whole week has been challenging. Noah and I went home to Alabama to join my family in Mobile to support our TROY Trojans at the GMAC Bowl. As most of you know, my dad is chancellor of Troy University so anytime there is a big event - such as a bowl game - there will always be a week full of events prior that we have to go to.
Noah joined us in New Orleans last year for that bowl game, but he wasn't even a year yet. So he was a more flexible human then. But now that he's 2 in one month, he's not so easy. Fun, yes, easy, NO. He had a blast in Mobile: from the incredible hotel suite with a view of the boats in the harbor and trains coming and going, to the football game, parades, good food and many a marching band. That young man had the time of his life but sleeping in a strange bed in a strange and noisy place was next to non-existant for me and my kid.
And with Dan TDY for a long time, it is even more difficult because I am parenting alone. We had just come off of having the Bealls in Louisiana and Noah had been RUINED with all the attention he'd received over the Christmas break. Then we came straight to Alabama where he continues to relish being the absolute center of his grandparents' universe. Today he absolutely pulled my last chain.
I am already extremely worn thin by exhaustion from this second pregnancy. I am almost out of the first trimester - but am no less exhausted. And I am exhausted from Noah not napping much longer than a half hour, hour at the most and being 110% sun up till bedtime - DESPITE being soooo tired that he looks like he's been punched in the eyes from lack of napping. He's become so incredibly self centered and demanding that, while I always love him, I don't like him much. Couple that demanding attitude with pregnancy exhaustion and single parenting and you have a recipe for a miserable mom. Oh, how I miss my husband!
Back to today.... All day, he's hit me in the face, yelled "NO!" at the top of his voice, run away from me, and the list goes on. When he arched his back in his carseat and refused to be buckled in and smacked me for the second time, I lost it. So, he got a spanking on his thigh. Didn't work - nothing did because he was determined to have his tantrum (the first of so many today alone). I hate responding to his hitting with spanking, but he honestly doesn't respond to any other technique. And that breaks my heart. Dobson calls it a "strong willed child." And I have to agree: I have given birth to the strongest willed child this generation has ever known. Yet on the flipside, he's the sweetest.
Tonight, we went out to dinner and it turned into a dinner from hell. Noah jumped from his highchair, ran from me, wouldn't eat, threw his food, and just embarrassed the mess out of me and then proceeded to SCREAM the entire way home for candy (yet he didn't eat his dinner), so on the way home I had a mild to moderately severe breakdown. It was horrifying and I had reached my limit of being "horrified" by a 23 month old that Dan and I brought into this world. Thankfully, my mom and dad took over and put him to bed (which is still at 6:30, no matter what) allowing me to calm down. But it took a while because I felt like such a failure.
Where have we gone wrong? Why does my sweet child hit me? Yell at me? Run from me? One thing that calms him down is seeing me cry; he will stop misbehaving immediately and come up to me, grab my face with both hands and wipe my eyes and say "mommy, why crying? I yuv you, mommy." Most of the time, that makes everything better. But today, it just didn't help.
I guess I need to get back into the books, the basics: scripture (which I ALWAYS need more of), Dobson, and so many other parenting books I have yet to desire to crack open. For the longest time, I didn't think he was a strong willed child, but these last several weeks and his almost 2 attitude have forced me to change my mind.
I love Noah, I would give my life this moment for him. But to say that I always like my child would be a lie. I have never felt more helpless than I feel somedays when I am faced with a challenging child. Dan and I want to do the right thing in how we parent him but each child is so different that figuring out what is "right" can be daunting and scary. And I am exhausted. I am tired of asking others, reading, trying to rationalize with a toddler! Where's the magic potion to being a perfect parent that raises the perfect child?! I know it must be out there!
I pray that this second blessing from God is every bit as perfect, healthy, beautiful and sweet spirited as my Noah. But I also add to that prayer that he/she be less strong willed, more flexible, and all around easier. From colic for the first 4 months to hitting and yelling the past several weeks, Noah has given us a run for the money; he's not let up once since he took his first breath and I am just ready for a break! Oh, but how I do love that redhead.
Please don't be put-off by my complaining. It is the last thing that I want to do: complain about my healthy and precious child. I guess it is my small hope that there are other friends out there who struggle with the same thing each day and can offer some encouragement or advice. I would never want to hurt God by complaining about petty things that my child does to upset me; He has blessed me and my husband beyond measure. I guess I just didn't expect the challenges that CAME with those boundless blessings!
