Maria

After a very roller-coaster-like weekend, I took my husband into his post-op appointment. That was after having the "boys" come this weekend, having my in-laws here this weekend (BLESS THEM!) and having a very insane 20 month old on my hands. I just had not been paying attention to the animals.

When we got home from New Orleans last weekend, I was fixated on the fact that I had food poisoning, not on the fact that our 9.5 year old cat had puked all over the house. And over the past week, I hadn't paid super close attention to the fact that Maria (who ALWAYS ate at 7 am and 5 pm on the dot) hadn't eaten much or touched her milk. She'd just slept and not done much else.

However, today when we got home from Dan's post op appointment, I noticed a supreme foul odor coming from my "baby girl." So when I looked in her mouth and realized that there was an abscess, I called her vet immediately. They said to bring her in right away.

I got there, in the middle of this incredible down-pouring of rain and brought my sweet kitty inside. Our vet ran some tests, sent me back out to pick up Dan's post-op prescriptions and told me to be back in a half hour.

When I got back, he told me that Maria's renal numbers were off the chart... in a deadly way. He told me that had I not brought her in, we would have had her start seizing at home within 24 hours at best and dead soon after. She'd developed serious ulcers in her mouth and was starving but couldn't eat because of the sores. She was anemic and dehydrated. He couldn't find a vein to draw blood from. It was awful.

I began to weep openly. I asked to call my mother-in-law, Carol, who was at my house with Noah and the boys. She had gone through this with their dog, Ebony, only a couple years back and I couldn't bear to say goodbye to Maria by myself. I had only left to get her checked out, not to put her to sleep.

The doc was super sweet and allowed me time to make the phone calls to Dan and my mother-in-law. But he stressed that every moment I struggled with my decision, Maria was hurting.

I came back in, said "do it NOW" and signed the paper work... after paying $200.00. Wow. $200 to kill your cat. Painful charge to approve. Before I had a chance to say goodbye and tell her what a precious addition she'd been to my life, the doctor had begun the process. She was THAT bad.

I asked to be with her in the process. But because she was so dehydrated and anemic, he couldn't find a vein. So he would have to stick her in the heart which would take about 30 seconds to make her die. I asked for sedation for her and he agreed. So, once I said "I love you" to my cat of almost a decade, he had a gas mask on her and began her final transition. I miss her already. She came to me at a time when I felt really alone - I was stationed in Texas by myself and was really struggling. I miss that warm body and sweet white face with the brightest blue/green eyes already.

To say that God is pressing us to trust him is such a challenge to accept - He's pushing me beyond all physical and emotional boundaries I ever expected possible at 29 and 3/4s. He's asking me to endure the rain and trust Him more than I ever have had to. That is HARD - so HARD and I am struggling. Even to put one's cat down in a time of complete struggle is such a sacrifice. When does the challenge to surrender stop?

I guess once I have totally surrendered.... I thought I had.