The Rain is Coming.... In Mass Amounts

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an entry called "Bring the Rain." I asked for the testing to be brought upon me. And boy, has it ever been.

To sum up what we have been quietly facing this week, Dan has had a baseball size growth on top of his foot for some time now. He got it checked out this past summer and bloodwork, XRays, etc and the docs couldn't really determine what it was. But they did say that it wasn't something to lose sleep over.

However, last Friday, he woke up and this growth on top of his left foot was doubled in size, red, hot to the touch and so extremely painful for Dan. For him to tell me that he is hurting means that there is severe pain for him... he won't even take a Tylenol for a migraine. He just doesn't hurt or admit when he is hurting!

We both worried a lot about it over the weekend and tried not to think the worst. We were also trying to determine who - if anyone - we should tell. We decided to keep it to ourselves (and I asked my mom and dad to pray for the situation but that was it). I just KNEW that this was going to cause Dan to not be able to deploy. How could he possibly go to Army Combat Training in preparation for this deployment following surgery??

Today, he was seen by an off-base doctor and to make a long story short, he is now having a MRI done Monday followed by surgery on Tuesday. The doctor still doesn't know what the tumor is, but that is what they are calling it. Tumor. What an ugly word. The doctor did say that he will be on crutches, in a cast but will be healed enough to do the physical portion of the training which will commence in a few weeks. So... deployment is still on.

And now we face the remaining 2 weeks together (exception of a possible Christmas holiday) until 2011 with Dan wearing a cast and hobbling around on crutches. We have his mom and dad coming next weekend, will celebrate his 30th birthday (a month early) as well as his going-away, go to New Orleans (tomorrow, just the 3 of us) and buy a new life insurance policy, a new laptop for Dan to take with him, pack him up for 15 months and send him on his way.

I know, you guys so wish you could trade places with me right now. ** Sarcasm intended **

I am bitter today. I asked for the rain, but I am still learning how to deal with the downfall. And I just don't have the strength. Right now, it is evading me and I don't see it within my reach.I am struggling to not get jealous or bitter or angry over simple things like my friends posting status updates on Facebook that they are "sad" that their husbands are out of town for a few nights.... I have NO place to be upset by that but I confess: this is a struggle for me not to compare the horrible nature of our situation with others and feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling too and I ask that you please pray that God helps me to overcome this self-pity I am feeling. It is a worthless feeling.

Many of you keep emailing me saying that you don't want to call because you don't want to interrupt my time with Dan. But please know that I need my friends and family right now. WE both do. Our phones have been eerily quiet because we know people are giving us our time together. And while that is appreciated, Dan wants to talk to his friends and loved ones before he leaves and I need to be distracted by hearing about what is going on in others' lives. So, call us and don't feel bad! I will tell you if it isn't a good time.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I just keep wondering when - if ever - this will get easier. And so far, it hasn't... only much worse. We need a break, God!