Communicating

Last week, I realized I had 1200 Facebook "friends" and it freaked me out. So I started to go through and delete those I wouldn't even recognize if I ran into them on the street.... Daunting task when there are two babies running around your feet. Then I realized that in the 6 years I have been on Facebook, I had thousands of pictures posted of myself, husband, friends and now kids. Even more overwhelming trying to go through and individually delete pictures.

Thus, I deleted my entire Facebook account. Yep - the whole darn thing. Years of posts, pictures, and friends gone into cyberspace history. It was really a weight off of my shoulders!

I have received some nasty emails from "friends" who thought they were individually deleted. I reassure you, that wasn't the case so please (if you read this) don't send me another email asking me why I deleted you!!!! It hurts my feelings!!!!

If we were Facebook friends and you haven't received a new request from me, please know it isn't personal. I will remain diligent about blogging because it is an outlet for me: writing. But I don't think Facebook will remain something that I am actively participating in; again, don't take it personally! Just find me here if you want an update ;)

A Baby's Grief

Noah has been going to mother's day out at the same school for 2 years now. He has his little circle of friends and they all love each other so very much.

He is now a member of the Tiger's class in his Pre 3K class and goes 5 days a week. There are only about 7-8 of them in his daily class. In that circle of little, long time friends is a girl named Bella.

Bella is the only child of her mommy and daddy. She is going to be a big sister in about 4 1/2 months. Bella loves Dora and loves to dance. A little over a week ago, Bella got a bug bite that got infected. It resulted in viral encephalitis and she got very, very sick. The doctors did 2 brain surgeries to relieve the swelling and a drain was put in. Just when they thought she was improving, she took a turn for the worst.

By Friday, there was no brain activity and by Saturday evening, the decision was made to take her off of life support. I had prepared Noah that Bella was most likely going to go on to heaven on Friday night so we talked about it. He was a bit familiar with death because my Aunt Mamie went on to be with the Lord last November and he was very close to her. So there has been a lot of open talk about heaven in our home. He was okay after our conversation on Friday night.

Dan is in the middle of an exercise so he's been working long hours and worked all weekend. So when I got the call that she'd passed away on Saturday, I shared it with him and then asked him how he felt. He said, "I'm happy for Bella. She's in Heaven now." and then he went back to playing ball. I was so heartbroken as a parent but happy that he was dealing so well.

All day Sunday, he talked about Bella but never showed any sadness. He even wanted to make her a card so he told me what to write then he colored it. He said "Maybe this will help her mommy and daddy not cry so much."

Even at school yesterday, he only sought to reassure his heartbroken teacher that Bella was in heaven and while we wouldn't see her soon, we would see her again. Ms. Hayley grabbed him tightly and tried not to cry. I was so proud of him.

But when he walked out of the building, he LOST it. He was hysterical. When we got home, I put Ellyotte down for a nap and then just scooped him up and rocked him. He wouldn't let me put him down for over an hour. It was clear that his grief - while delayed - was very real.

I didn't know what to do so while I held him, I called my mom and put her on speaker phone. She reassured Noah that it was okay to be sad and to cry and that Bella was not sick anymore and he would see his friend again. While she talked, I cried with my boy and just held him tightly.

It was a hard experience and while Noah's first experience with losing a close friend was way too young (he's 3.5) , it is not going to be the last time we experience death in our lives.

Please remember Bella's family. The Paquette's will need the prayers for strength and healing mercies as they journey through the rest of their lives without their firstborn.

Love on your babies a little harder today and praise God for the gift of the moment; we never know when we will enter our last here on earth.

Homecoming 2010

Following an emotional week in Nashville, TN, it was wonderful to be able to celebrate my school's Homecoming. Troy always does homecoming right: parade, tailgating, game. It is so much fun. Ellyotte stayed home with our sweet housekeeper (she's been with us since 1989) Mary and slept a lot. But Noah was there all day and was ready to play with the band at every turn! Kel and I got to catch up with a lot of old friends and it was a really special day.

In the Blink of an Eye

One thing that has become abundantly clear to me this year is that life on this earth is so fleeting, so non-permanent. Until the blood clot in my lung in July, I woke up each day thinking about my immediate issues: Noah, teaching, finances, laundry.

But post 27 July, my outlook changed. I will never, ever forget laying on that hospital table in the emergency room after having found out I had a blood clot in my lung, then saying goodbye to Dan and Ellyotte as they wheeled me to my hospital room in the ICU unit only DAYS after I had left the same hospital after Ellyotte's birth. I laid on that table while having my leg ultrasound and wept; I was quietly crying my eyes out.

I kept thinking about the scene in "Steel Magonolias" when Sally Field was screaming in the cemetary "...that baby will never know how wonderful his mother was and how much she loved him." I realized that had I not gone into the emergency room when I did, my babies wouldn't have a mother. Dan wouldn't have a wife. My parents would be planning my funeral and my sister would be heartbroken.

But what I also realized 100% was how short life on this earth is; how fleeting our moments as humans really are. In the blink of an eye, we are dust in the wind. What matters in this life is our relationship with Jesus and our relationships with others. That's it. Money, material things, nothing besides those two things matter.

This has been a tough year for me and those that I love: we lost my dear friend, Chris Patterson (age 32) to H1N1 last November. My Aunt Mamie is struggling to fight the viscious bone cancer that is ravaging her body. My grandmother is debilitated by unbearable back pain and nothing is helping her - her quality of life is so bad. And just yesterday, one of my dear friends from Troy University, Tim Ward, was tragically killed. Tim was cleaning his pistol before heading to the Alabama game and it accidentally discharged into his abdomen. Tim died shortly after.

All day, I have just wept. Yes, life is short, we aren't promised tomorrow, "To live is Christ and to die is gain," but none of that eases the pain that comes with death or dying. We will all go at some point and if we are believers, we have so much to look forward to once we have left our shells. But the ones left behind are left with hearts breaking.

My mom lost her brother from the same thing that happened to me. He had knee surgery at the age of 36 and went home to recover. He started having shortness of breath and dropped dead from a pulmonary embolism. My mom has never gotten over losing her brother - he had a young wife and two pre-teen boys and a family who adored him. That's what has happened with Tim: he has left behind so many people who love him. His daddy, and two sisters. I am friends with his sister, Jill (she lives next to my parents at the Waters) and she is understandably devestated. I hope that my mom can minister to her in her time of loss, grief and one day, recovery since my mom experienced the same thing in losing her only brother.

I knew Tim for almost 2 decades and there isn't one time that I was in his presence that he didn't make me laugh hysterically. I saw him just a few weeks ago when I was home visiting. He got to see Noah and meet Ellyotte. I told him about what happened to me right after I had Ellyotte. We talked about how short and unpredictable life can be. We hugged, laughed and he reassured me of his happiness and said "life is GOOD." That's how I will always remember my dear friend, Tim Ward. He was FULL of life and never left a person without a smile. Bottom line: Tim brought joy wherever he went and he will be so, so missed. But I look forward to that day that our friendship can continue in Heaven.

Fall Fun!

We have really made some wonderful friends here in Louisiana. Among them is my dear friend, Season. We have LOTS of playdates together because a) we enjoy each others' company and b) Addison (4) and Noah play so well together and we have new babies born within 6 weeks of each other.

Today we met at the Pumpkin Patch and the kids had a great time putting pumpkins into the wagon. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and we got some sweet pictures!

Bossier City, LA Fair 2010!

And be sure to read the below post if you are interested in continuing to be a reader of this blog :)

The Rain is Coming.... In Mass Amounts

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an entry called "Bring the Rain." I asked for the testing to be brought upon me. And boy, has it ever been.

To sum up what we have been quietly facing this week, Dan has had a baseball size growth on top of his foot for some time now. He got it checked out this past summer and bloodwork, XRays, etc and the docs couldn't really determine what it was. But they did say that it wasn't something to lose sleep over.

However, last Friday, he woke up and this growth on top of his left foot was doubled in size, red, hot to the touch and so extremely painful for Dan. For him to tell me that he is hurting means that there is severe pain for him... he won't even take a Tylenol for a migraine. He just doesn't hurt or admit when he is hurting!

We both worried a lot about it over the weekend and tried not to think the worst. We were also trying to determine who - if anyone - we should tell. We decided to keep it to ourselves (and I asked my mom and dad to pray for the situation but that was it). I just KNEW that this was going to cause Dan to not be able to deploy. How could he possibly go to Army Combat Training in preparation for this deployment following surgery??

Today, he was seen by an off-base doctor and to make a long story short, he is now having a MRI done Monday followed by surgery on Tuesday. The doctor still doesn't know what the tumor is, but that is what they are calling it. Tumor. What an ugly word. The doctor did say that he will be on crutches, in a cast but will be healed enough to do the physical portion of the training which will commence in a few weeks. So... deployment is still on.

And now we face the remaining 2 weeks together (exception of a possible Christmas holiday) until 2011 with Dan wearing a cast and hobbling around on crutches. We have his mom and dad coming next weekend, will celebrate his 30th birthday (a month early) as well as his going-away, go to New Orleans (tomorrow, just the 3 of us) and buy a new life insurance policy, a new laptop for Dan to take with him, pack him up for 15 months and send him on his way.

I know, you guys so wish you could trade places with me right now. ** Sarcasm intended **

I am bitter today. I asked for the rain, but I am still learning how to deal with the downfall. And I just don't have the strength. Right now, it is evading me and I don't see it within my reach.I am struggling to not get jealous or bitter or angry over simple things like my friends posting status updates on Facebook that they are "sad" that their husbands are out of town for a few nights.... I have NO place to be upset by that but I confess: this is a struggle for me not to compare the horrible nature of our situation with others and feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling too and I ask that you please pray that God helps me to overcome this self-pity I am feeling. It is a worthless feeling.

Many of you keep emailing me saying that you don't want to call because you don't want to interrupt my time with Dan. But please know that I need my friends and family right now. WE both do. Our phones have been eerily quiet because we know people are giving us our time together. And while that is appreciated, Dan wants to talk to his friends and loved ones before he leaves and I need to be distracted by hearing about what is going on in others' lives. So, call us and don't feel bad! I will tell you if it isn't a good time.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I just keep wondering when - if ever - this will get easier. And so far, it hasn't... only much worse. We need a break, God!

Friends and Fun Times

God has really blessed us with precious friends. Just when you need your friends and those who love you to pull through for you, they always do.

For example, Dan and I went home to Alabama last weekend and got to spend some much needed time with my family. Our dear friend Rob Beckenhauer (one of our groomsmen and one of Dan's childhood best friends) was in Montgomery at Squadron Officer School and he got to spend the weekend with us. Then not 5 days later, his sweet wife Lindsey, their daughter Allie, his mom and dad and their dogs came through Louisiana to spend the night with us on their way to Alabama to see Rob. Noah and Allie are 2 months apart and seeing them together at this "toddler" age was PRICELESS. We had such a wonderful time spending incredible time with the Beckenhauer family.

Another example of a great friend being totally selfless despite what is going on in their life is my friend Barry. Barry has a ton of things bogging him down right now, but you better believe he's calling me on a regular basis just to pray for me. I feel so humbled everytime my phone rings and I know it is him just calling to say he loves us and have him pray for us. In addition to his selfless friendship, Barry has begun collecting phone cards GALORE for Dan to take on his deployment to use to call back home from Afghanistan! What an AWESOME gift - thank you Barry! The Bealls love you.

And just when you need "pick-me-ups" by way of telephone calls, God always provides. This week has been reallllly hard for me - I am realizing minute by minute how scary our situation is and I have needed my friends. My precious friend Derek called me out of the blue the other day and even though he had sad news to tell me, he chose not to so I could cry to him and he could be there for me. He's allowing me to just be myself and weep to him and he NEVER tells me "Oh, it's gonna be okay" or "You are so strong, you will get through this." He says, "You know what: this sucks and you are dealing with a lot. But WE are going to be fine because WE are going to get through this together." AWESOME and much needed. He made sure that I heard WE because it isn't just me in this - it is everyone who loves me, Dan and Noah.

I just want someone to hear me like Derek did - this is a horrible situation and I don't want to be strong, I don't want to just "pull through." I DO want to cry about it for a minute and be sad and have a 5 second pity party because I haven't yet done that. So, I ask that you allow me some moments of selfishness because I need them right now! Then, once I am over it, I will pick back up and be strong again. But right now, I don't have the energy. I need my Derek and my sister, Kelly, who will look me in the eye and say "WE are pulling through this because WE love you and WE love Dan." I am a blessed girl.

Here are some great photos from our last week of fun time with friends in Bama and our Beckenhauer visitors here in Louisiana.

My Friend

For those of you who were at our wedding, you got to see one of my dad's best friends, Bruce Higdon, give our first toast to us. He has been like a 2nd dad to me and is one of the funniest people I know. I grew up being a part of his "family," thus, his niece, Casey Wilson (FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE) is a lifelong friend of mine.

Many of you know that she was just released from the cast of SNL this week. She's fighting off rumors that she was let go because she refused to lose 30 lbs this summer. If that is true (and I emailed Brucie to find out) then GOOD FOR HER. She's a gorgeous and hilarious girl and I am proud of her for the amazing years she had running as part of the elite cast of Saturday Night Live.

Go Casey! I am so proud of you.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,549534,00.html?loomia_ow=t0:s0:a4:g4:r4:c0.000000:b0:z5

Boothe's Blog

For those of you who followed my beautiful friend, Boothe Blanton Farley's blog that she kept in the wake of losing her baby girl Copeland, you will be happy to know that Boothe continues to write. She no longer is using her "keeping awake" blog but is now writing on her blog entitled "Black is White/White is Gray." For those interested, I have linked you to it here. Enjoy!

Harsh Words

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. -- James 1:19-20

Let me start off by saying that I am hardly one to say that I don't say mean things when I am impassioned or angry. I spout off at the hip when I feel like it... but that is wrong. I know it is wrong while I am doing it. My dad has always said "if it feels good, don't do it." Unfortunately, I am the type that I would rather do something and pay for it later than withhold and be blessed later. That is sad, isn't it? But, I am human and I enjoy instant gratification.

What I DO have a problem with is how people can sit behind their computers and say the most disrespectful and hurtful things without regard to how their words might be interpreted. It is my understanding that Facebook - and similar networking sites - are supposed to be used to "reconnect" with old and new friends alike. But what I am finding to be more and more common is that people use their new-found familiarity with people as a license to say what they want.

Last night, I was bombarded with some of the most hateful things a person (a so-called friend) could say to me. She knew that I am in a dark place right now with my husband about to leave for so long to go fight in this awful war, yet she still felt it appropriate to publicly chastise me for not agreeing with the president. Thus, she told me to "get a grip... life's not all about me" and that even though my husband's leaving for so long, I had no place to have a "pity party."

It took me a nanosecond to realize that she hadn't put herself into my shoes for anytime at all... If the threat that her husband were to leave her and her child for that long ever presented itself, then I think she might have thought twice about saying the things that she did. She continued to mock me for getting my feelings hurt by her words and she called me a hypocrite and a liar.... all in a very public forum. And ALL because I didn't see eye to eye with her on my interpretation of Mr. Obama's address to Congress. She literally mocked my and my husband's service and sacrifice publicly, and to what end? She deleted me (like a coward) as a "friend" as soon as she wrote her words. Needless to say, there were about 45 comments in retaliation from many of my friends in my defense... I didn't need to say anything at all.

I tell you all of this to say that just because there are great networking tools available for all to use in this day and age, please realize that it doesn't give one the right to cowardly sit behind their computer and spew hurtful words. This absolutely wasn't the first time - nor was I the first of our "friends" to get this sort of treatment from her - that this has happened. She's notorious for saying the most horrible things from the safety of her own home. But I mean it to be the last that this happens to me.

It makes me question putting my feelings, my information and my writings into this vast cyberworld because someone with hurtful intentions can feel the "right" to say what they want to say. And words hurt. They do. Written or said to your face, words hurt. And I encourage you all to be extremely careful with your written and verbalized emotions. I intend to do the same.

Going Away Party

Our sweet friend, Melanie, planned a going away party for us at Gordon Biersch down in Waikiki. We had such a great time seeing our friends, eating good food and celebrating our friendships. There is no doubt that we are heartbroken to have to move away from our Hawaii family.

Noah went to Lori and Nino's house where sweet Maggie watched him and Tori (2.5) and Tessa (1) and put him to bed in a pack n play till we could pick him up on our way home. So, we all got to bed at about 1 again last night! AHH! Sleep when you're dead, right?! We had another great adult night out last night and it was wonderful.

Dan, Melanie and I went to a wine party on Friday night and got a sitter for Noah. We had a blast but drank one too many glasses of wine and stayed out way too late. Noah was up and at 'em early yesterday morning and Dan and I packed/organized ALL day. ALL DAY. We were zombies by last night! But we realize how little time we have left here so we decided we can sleep later. Thankfully we have great friends/neighbors who took turns taking Noah when he was up from his naps yesterday which allowed us to get so much done.

Today, we go to church, come home, put Noah down, pack, go to a bbque at our friends, Kendal and David's house across the street. (Sidenote: talk about a small world! I went to Troy University with David and was in ROTC with him. We commissioned together into the Air Force and he then transferred into the active duty Army. They bought the house across the street from us a year and a half ago and we ran into each other after all these years! Kendal and I are now very close friends - our boys play together almost daily. They are from Enterprise so it has been great to have "southern" friends here in Hawaii with us).

After that, we come back home to pack some more, then go to the Smith's for dinner, THEN TO TAKE PIPER TO THE AIRPORT TONIGHT!!! It is finally real: shipping the animals out and then the movers coming starting tomorrow makes this move too real.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Lazy Day at the Pool

Pools in Hawaii are just not like the pools anywhere else in the United States. This pool - just several miles down from our house - has a sandy shoreline with water that doesn't get more than 1' deep, salt-water with chlorine to sanitize it, fruity drink service (or you can brown bag it like we did!), and a playground right next to it. Stacie and I took our boys there today and had such a good time. I really love that girl and baby David is becoming like a 2nd son to me - we both discipline each other's boys without a second thought! That's how you know you are truly friends!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

1 Month Left

Make a Smilebox slideshow

We still have no orders but now that Dan's major exercise is over, we are down to the business of MOVING. We literally are down to 4 weeks... with no pack-up date at all. However, we did get a date to ship our Camry off island to LA yet we still have to sell the SUV (boo - but that means new car when we get to LA: yay!). We also were able to book a luxury suite (chargeable to the Air Force!) at the Hilton Hawaiian Village for our last 2 weeks on island. That will be awesome to look forward to since we ship our animals back to the Mainland mid-June and then ship our car and pack up our earthly belongings in a matter of 3 days.

We also are going to Maui the first week of June and cannot wait! We are staying in an incredible resort there for 3 nights/4 days, are going to spend major amounts of time on the beach and go to the Maui Aquarium. In addition to our luxury resort experiences in Maui and Oahu, we are going to be spending a lot of time on the beaches for Dan to surf, as well as spend a ton of time with our dear friends - all of which we will miss way too much. Thus is life...

Noah is at the perfect age for us to really enjoy him and being in Hawaii for one more month. He loves to go to the beach, play and really enjoys being outside here. And for how hard he plays, he sleeps just as hard! I have been worried because he's been sleeping upwards of 15-16 hours a day total; but I think it is because he's got a huge molar (his last of the 1 year molars) popping through and he's been growing so much. This growth spurt has taken him well into 2-3 year clothing and almost size 7 shoes (that is HUGE for 15 months). So, 2 naps a day + 12-13 hours straight at night: BRING IT ON!

Here are some sweet photos from the past few days.

Never Alone

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." -- Antoine de Saint Exupery

There are limited people in our lives who will vow to stand beside us when no one else will. But I am certain that while I may feel beaten down, rejected, sad, and unworthy, every morning I wake up beside a man who adores me and who would lay down his life for mine.

My whole life, I had one overwhelming desire and that was to be swept off of my feet for a lifetime.... The heated passion that Dan and I immediately felt for one another was eventually joined by the spiritual connection that only occurs when "two become one."

When we wed on October 15, 2005, I was certain that my life couldn't become any richer. Then we found out that we were expecting Noah. I loved Noah from the moment I conceived him, but no one could prepare me for the waves of the most intense love imaginable that were about to descend upon me.

I hold my little boy now and breathe him in and it is in those quiet, peaceful moments alone with him that I am confident that I had never known selfless love until I became his mom. The way that he trusts me with complete abandon is beyond my comprehension; I am his entire world and Noah is truly the love of my and my husband's life. With no questions asked, I would give life and limb for my child.

Tonight was a hard night for me and my husband knew that. He just let me be and didn't require explanation or words. Dan just came over to me while I was washing dishes, wrapped his arms around me and whispered "I am sorry you are hurting." He didn't need to know exactly why nor did he feel like he had to do something; he just reassured me that he loved me and my hurt was his hurt. To be loved that completely goes beyond anything I ever expected as a little girl.

When all is said and done and everyone else on this earth might abandon me, I know that my boys require me; they need me. My family coupled with that handful of friends that have been my rock for decades now reassure me that I am indeed a blessed, blessed woman. And even better, I have the absolute certainty that when even my husband, my son, my family, and my closest friends have made their way to heaven - be it before me - that I am never, ever truly alone.

Dear Billy

Years ago when I was a middle schooler in Troy, Alabama, I met a guy named Billy Atchinson. He was an active member in the college ministry at First Baptist Church where I was an active member in the youth group. Billy was always part of our Disciple Nows and was a great mime (facepaint included!). He is so theatrical, funny, creative and on fire for Christ. I am not sure when it was that I first met Billy but he quickly endeared himself to my family somehow! He is a hilarious guy. Full of life and love for the Lord. We always knew that Billy would marry a great girl and have many fun kids.

I lost touch with him through the years but recently crossed paths with him and his family when I discovered their blog through other friends' blogs. I have spent the last few nights reading back to last July 2008 when their lives changed forever and have shed many tears for them. They were blessed with 4 beautiful babies and their oldest daughter, Alaina (4), contracted meningitis and within 24 hours and without any warning, she went on to Heaven. Her mom, Hope (Billy's wife), was the one who found her the next morning and had to perform CPR.

Reading back on their blog and seeing how God has been leading them on the journey through the valley of grief is heartwrenching. I have been reminded through their story that life is SO short and every minute with our babies and with our husbands and families are so important and precious.

I encourgage you to read through their blog if you want to be inspired to love God even more through the storms of life; theirs is a story to be admired and it is incredibly inspiring.

http://billyandhopeatchison.blogspot.com/

Their blog is also on my blog roll on the left side under "Along the Road."

Honesty at its finest

It is my intention for this blog to be a place for others to come to see that they are really not alone in their mom, wife, woman of God journey. So, I feel compelled to be bitterly honest with my writing. Plus the catharsis that comes to me when I write is worth the pain of honesty. I hope this blog speaks to you when/if you need to know you are not alone in your journey.

When I say that satan is attacking me in every way possible, I mean it with every bit of sincerity. He's been hitting me in my marriage, my friendships, my family, and my happiness. Last night I hit an all time low; I haven't been that low in years. I received an email from a dear friend telling me she was ending our years long friendship... ending it. Because of me, because of something I had done and she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me this to my face or give me some fair warning. That was the last straw. I had been feeling very left out of several of my friendships here in Hawaii and then being told that someone I care about didn't want to be my friend any more was just more than I could take. And she told me several things about myself that I didn't want to hear; they were just too painful.

In addition to some friendship problems, satan had also been chipping away at my relationship with Dan. As a married mom of a toddler, I - like most moms in my situation - allowed my marriage to take backseat for the last several months because by the time my husband got home from work, I was so frazzled that all I wanted to do was go to bed and read. Not talk, not laugh, not even eat dinner together.

And I began looking for EVERYTHING my husband had been doing to be wrong. No matter what he did, what he said, what he didn't do, everything was wrong. What an easy excuse for me to have in order to NOT deal with my marital issues! It didn't occur to me to look at how difficult I had been or how mean I had been to the love of my life. Noah gets the best of me and that is all I have been focused on for the past 14 months. That 'ain't' fair to my relationships. Period.

I was hysterical last night; I cried and cried and cried.... and cried some more. And the more I cried, the more frustrated Dan got and the more frustrated he got because he couldn't 'fix' it, the more crying I did. I went to bed giving satan the victory: he had successfully taken a friendship away, eaten away at my self-confidence and made some serious, problematic dents in my marriage. Yay, satan... until morning.

"Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

This morning, I awoke with a sense of complete victory. Just 8 hours prior to my awakening, my husband and I had successfully gone to bed TWO nights in a row without speaking (my fault) and I had successfully blown off a dear friendship. Yet the Holy Spirit renewed me in the darkness because I allowed myself to be opened to His moving. I awoke, not with a spirit of offense, but with a renewed spirit of LOVE and of FORGIVENESS and of HUMILITY: three things that are vital in having happy and healthy relationships. I have been lacking all three of these things. And maybe not in each area at the same time, but I promise you that throughout the past year, even if my marriage was okay, at any given time, I would be mad at someone or feel that someone had "done me wrong." Um, not healthy and not Christlike.

Satan can continue to work and wrangle his way into my relationships, but praise God that I have people in my life that love me enough to tell me that my actions and words hurt them and they give me the forgiveness that sustains me. And above their forgiveness, I have the love of a Father in Heaven who would send His only Son to die all over again FOR that forgiveness, even if just for me. Hallelujah.