When I say that satan is attacking me in every way possible, I mean it with every bit of sincerity. He's been hitting me in my marriage, my friendships, my family, and my happiness. Last night I hit an all time low; I haven't been that low in years. I received an email from a dear friend telling me she was ending our years long friendship... ending it. Because of me, because of something I had done and she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me this to my face or give me some fair warning. That was the last straw. I had been feeling very left out of several of my friendships here in Hawaii and then being told that someone I care about didn't want to be my friend any more was just more than I could take. And she told me several things about myself that I didn't want to hear; they were just too painful.
In addition to some friendship problems, satan had also been chipping away at my relationship with Dan. As a married mom of a toddler, I - like most moms in my situation - allowed my marriage to take backseat for the last several months because by the time my husband got home from work, I was so frazzled that all I wanted to do was go to bed and read. Not talk, not laugh, not even eat dinner together.
And I began looking for EVERYTHING my husband had been doing to be wrong. No matter what he did, what he said, what he didn't do, everything was wrong. What an easy excuse for me to have in order to NOT deal with my marital issues! It didn't occur to me to look at how difficult I had been or how mean I had been to the love of my life. Noah gets the best of me and that is all I have been focused on for the past 14 months. That 'ain't' fair to my relationships. Period.
I was hysterical last night; I cried and cried and cried.... and cried some more. And the more I cried, the more frustrated Dan got and the more frustrated he got because he couldn't 'fix' it, the more crying I did. I went to bed giving satan the victory: he had successfully taken a friendship away, eaten away at my self-confidence and made some serious, problematic dents in my marriage. Yay, satan... until morning.
"Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
This morning, I awoke with a sense of complete victory. Just 8 hours prior to my awakening, my husband and I had successfully gone to bed TWO nights in a row without speaking (my fault) and I had successfully blown off a dear friendship. Yet the Holy Spirit renewed me in the darkness because I allowed myself to be opened to His moving. I awoke, not with a spirit of offense, but with a renewed spirit of LOVE and of FORGIVENESS and of HUMILITY: three things that are vital in having happy and healthy relationships. I have been lacking all three of these things. And maybe not in each area at the same time, but I promise you that throughout the past year, even if my marriage was okay, at any given time, I would be mad at someone or feel that someone had "done me wrong." Um, not healthy and not Christlike.
Satan can continue to work and wrangle his way into my relationships, but praise God that I have people in my life that love me enough to tell me that my actions and words hurt them and they give me the forgiveness that sustains me. And above their forgiveness, I have the love of a Father in Heaven who would send His only Son to die all over again FOR that forgiveness, even if just for me. Hallelujah.
3 comments:
The first year after having a baby is so freaking hard. Many days I couldn't remember why I married Nathan. I found fault with absolutely everything he did. We must have mentioned the D-word a few times in that first year. But gradually, through hard work and patience and lots of love, we made it through. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, Katie.
thank you, Lisa. that means a lot to me. it has been a hard road... one that i never imagined would be a struggle for us because we have always been so in love. but even the strongest of marriages can be challenged when life becomes too overwhelming. thanks again.
Once again, Katie, your thought-filled, honest, and incredibly well-written words have spoken to me when I need it the most...While I'll never be "glad" you're having a hard time or that you've hit a low point, I am glad for your ability to so completely and incisively share what's on your mind, because so often it's what's on my mind, too. You're just so much better at expressing it! If ever there needed to be a "reason" why satan creeps into your life and challenges you down to your knees, you may rest assured that it is so that you can rise up and become a better mother, sister, wife and friend. You remind me that I'm not alone, that life is overwhelming for everyone, in different ways, and that focusing on myself only makes it worse... You always help center me. How do you do it?? You just seem to have this way of saying/writing/sharing exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right time...and of growing and nurturing yourself in the process.
I know you don't see it, but I see you as incredibly strong; you inspire me. You have amazing and abundant strength...trust in it and the Lord, and your openness to His work in your life, and you will always wake up the next day to find the wind at your back and your cup runneth over. Thank you for sharing this... I love you.
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