Update

This is short because I have a toddler who won't nap and isn't doing well sleeping his regular 12+ hour nights (he's being IMPOSSIBLE lately!), a college class now in session full of undergraduate students requiring my undivided attention this term, and a husband still unable to even get up and walk to the bathroom unattended. Life's a little challenging logistically here! BUT.... so many of you have been faithful in asking us about how Dan's surgery affects his deployment.

The news - current as of today - is that this deployment is postponed for Dan. We are incredibly happy about that but still holding our breath. NOTHING is certain in the military till you are either on or not on a flight! But since Dan is still so immobile and still in so much pain, his commander made the decision to hold off sending him just yet. That doesn't mean he is "in the clear" but for now, he's safely home in Louisiana recovering from a pretty serious bit of surgery. We are thankful.

Thank you to ALL of you who sent cards and birthday wishes a month in advance. I assure you that each of them are being placed into the scrapbook that will accompany him on his inevitable future (soon) deployment. Dan's number is up so we are just waiting to hear the "where" and "when" because he's long overdue to go overseas. But, at least it isn't Afghanistan with the Army at this point. I will take anything over that.

Thanks again, we love you all and your prayers are still needed. We are an active duty military family continuing to go through a lot at this point in our lives. Your prayers are always encouraged and of course, I will continue to keep you updated.

On another note, here are some beautiful pictures of our impossible 20 month old. He is loving this fall weather here in Louisiana!

What a Week!

I must start by writing how sorry I am for asking and asking you all for prayers yet I have been so bad at keeping you all updated. We had one of the more challenging weeks imagineable last week. We had Dan's MRI last Monday. It revealed a massive tumor that the doctor said had to come out immediately. Yet the doc couldn't tell us what kind of tumor it was or if it was benign or malignent. That was a scary way to spend the week in uncertainty.

While I have been clear with you all that I was asking for the "rain" to come and while we really have been desiring and seeking God's total will for our lives, the "not-knowing" has been a very difficult thing to deal with. So many of you have asked how Dan's surgery will affect his deployment and the honest answer is "We do not know..." As of right now, Dan's still set to leave next weekend for training and that is what we are going with. Back to the surgery...

We finally got his surgery scheduled for this past Friday (2 days ago) here in Louisiana. Keep in mind, this is the day that his parents were arriving and the day before his 30th (early) birthday celebration. Both of those things on top of my new job starting this weekend with the beginning of Term II 2009 on Troy's eCampus! So, to say things were tough in our house this past weekend is a bit of an understatement. But we continue to take it all in stride because we have had no choice.

Dan's surgery was a bit more involved than we/the doctor expected. We dropped Noah off at our neighbor Joni's house at 5 a.m. At 7 a.m., she took her 2 year old Tyson and Noah to the other neighbor, Shannon, where Noah stayed for the rest of the day. PRAISE GOD FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS! I was totally overwhelmed by the help they provided us.

So at 5 a.m. we were off to the hospital. We got there, got Dan into a room and spoke at length with the doctor. Initially, he was telling Dan that he was good to deploy as long as there was a surgeon at his next duty station equipped to tend to the foot. But, after what was supposed to be an hour surgery turned into an almost 3 hour surgery, the story changed. The doctor came right out to me and flashed a photo in my face (of the tumor), said that he didn't know what to call it but it was 7 cm long and had its own blood supply and had started to spread up his leg. His first words were "I will NOT release him into anyone else's care." What do we do with that? He's supposed to leave in a week! The Air Force is counting on him. But, the surgeon has the final say. So we wait.

Dan has spent the entire weekend with his foot in a boot, on crutches, serious pain meds and in his red recliner. The wonderful part of the weekend - aside from his folks' visit - is that his 3 roomates and best friends from college came in for a TOTAL SURPRISE! "Bansk" flew in from Mexico, and "Hammy" drove 18 hours, picked up "Tof" (who sang in our wedding - all three were groomsmen) in Kansas City and they showed up on our doorstep to an overwhelmed and ecstatic Dan! He has no clue. It was the best surprise I think he's ever received. And the incredible thing is that the three were only here for a total of 12 hours! It was such a testimony of their love for Dan. Thanks guys - we love you and are so thankful for your friendship. You will never know what it meant to us to have you here!

Dan's party was so awesome - we had 27 people come over for dinner and it was so much fun! Dan was really touched. And so many of you sent cards, memories, photos, gifts and Dan's still opening them. He is so overwhelmed by the amount of love and prayers that have been extended our way. We will not know for a few more days what the doctor's final word is on the deployment but he's still set to go. And we will still not know for a bit what the final tumor diagnosis is but we are confident that it is going to be a good report. I will obviously keep you posted.

Thanks again for your prayers and love - we are honored by your friendship and loyalty to us. Here are the photos from the weekend (including one of the 2 ft snake in our road in front of our house! Eww!

Dan's Party

I was planning a surprise 30th birthday party/going away party for Dan for next week here in Louisiana. I had to tell him about the party last night though when we learned of his surgery and that he'd be hobbling on crutches - there was no way his folks would be able to get him out of the house to distract him while I prepared for the party! We do have some surprises up our sleeves though so don't worry! He will be surprised in other ways.

I sent out only a few invitations but I wanted to let you guys know that if you are interested in sending Dan a card with some encouragement, a birthday wish, a funny story, anything that you would want to say to him, please do send something. I intend on putting all of the cards and notes into a folder for him to take on his deployment so he can pull them out when he's feeling alone.

Please let me know if you are interested in sending something - it would need to get here by next Saturday, 10 October, so he can open it at the party. If you want to, just post a comment or send me an email and I will email you our mailing address.

Thanks everyone! I want Dan to feel as loved and as appreciated as he possibly can this next Saturday, so send something his way if you can :)

The Rain is Coming.... In Mass Amounts

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an entry called "Bring the Rain." I asked for the testing to be brought upon me. And boy, has it ever been.

To sum up what we have been quietly facing this week, Dan has had a baseball size growth on top of his foot for some time now. He got it checked out this past summer and bloodwork, XRays, etc and the docs couldn't really determine what it was. But they did say that it wasn't something to lose sleep over.

However, last Friday, he woke up and this growth on top of his left foot was doubled in size, red, hot to the touch and so extremely painful for Dan. For him to tell me that he is hurting means that there is severe pain for him... he won't even take a Tylenol for a migraine. He just doesn't hurt or admit when he is hurting!

We both worried a lot about it over the weekend and tried not to think the worst. We were also trying to determine who - if anyone - we should tell. We decided to keep it to ourselves (and I asked my mom and dad to pray for the situation but that was it). I just KNEW that this was going to cause Dan to not be able to deploy. How could he possibly go to Army Combat Training in preparation for this deployment following surgery??

Today, he was seen by an off-base doctor and to make a long story short, he is now having a MRI done Monday followed by surgery on Tuesday. The doctor still doesn't know what the tumor is, but that is what they are calling it. Tumor. What an ugly word. The doctor did say that he will be on crutches, in a cast but will be healed enough to do the physical portion of the training which will commence in a few weeks. So... deployment is still on.

And now we face the remaining 2 weeks together (exception of a possible Christmas holiday) until 2011 with Dan wearing a cast and hobbling around on crutches. We have his mom and dad coming next weekend, will celebrate his 30th birthday (a month early) as well as his going-away, go to New Orleans (tomorrow, just the 3 of us) and buy a new life insurance policy, a new laptop for Dan to take with him, pack him up for 15 months and send him on his way.

I know, you guys so wish you could trade places with me right now. ** Sarcasm intended **

I am bitter today. I asked for the rain, but I am still learning how to deal with the downfall. And I just don't have the strength. Right now, it is evading me and I don't see it within my reach.I am struggling to not get jealous or bitter or angry over simple things like my friends posting status updates on Facebook that they are "sad" that their husbands are out of town for a few nights.... I have NO place to be upset by that but I confess: this is a struggle for me not to compare the horrible nature of our situation with others and feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling too and I ask that you please pray that God helps me to overcome this self-pity I am feeling. It is a worthless feeling.

Many of you keep emailing me saying that you don't want to call because you don't want to interrupt my time with Dan. But please know that I need my friends and family right now. WE both do. Our phones have been eerily quiet because we know people are giving us our time together. And while that is appreciated, Dan wants to talk to his friends and loved ones before he leaves and I need to be distracted by hearing about what is going on in others' lives. So, call us and don't feel bad! I will tell you if it isn't a good time.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I just keep wondering when - if ever - this will get easier. And so far, it hasn't... only much worse. We need a break, God!

Friends and Fun Times

God has really blessed us with precious friends. Just when you need your friends and those who love you to pull through for you, they always do.

For example, Dan and I went home to Alabama last weekend and got to spend some much needed time with my family. Our dear friend Rob Beckenhauer (one of our groomsmen and one of Dan's childhood best friends) was in Montgomery at Squadron Officer School and he got to spend the weekend with us. Then not 5 days later, his sweet wife Lindsey, their daughter Allie, his mom and dad and their dogs came through Louisiana to spend the night with us on their way to Alabama to see Rob. Noah and Allie are 2 months apart and seeing them together at this "toddler" age was PRICELESS. We had such a wonderful time spending incredible time with the Beckenhauer family.

Another example of a great friend being totally selfless despite what is going on in their life is my friend Barry. Barry has a ton of things bogging him down right now, but you better believe he's calling me on a regular basis just to pray for me. I feel so humbled everytime my phone rings and I know it is him just calling to say he loves us and have him pray for us. In addition to his selfless friendship, Barry has begun collecting phone cards GALORE for Dan to take on his deployment to use to call back home from Afghanistan! What an AWESOME gift - thank you Barry! The Bealls love you.

And just when you need "pick-me-ups" by way of telephone calls, God always provides. This week has been reallllly hard for me - I am realizing minute by minute how scary our situation is and I have needed my friends. My precious friend Derek called me out of the blue the other day and even though he had sad news to tell me, he chose not to so I could cry to him and he could be there for me. He's allowing me to just be myself and weep to him and he NEVER tells me "Oh, it's gonna be okay" or "You are so strong, you will get through this." He says, "You know what: this sucks and you are dealing with a lot. But WE are going to be fine because WE are going to get through this together." AWESOME and much needed. He made sure that I heard WE because it isn't just me in this - it is everyone who loves me, Dan and Noah.

I just want someone to hear me like Derek did - this is a horrible situation and I don't want to be strong, I don't want to just "pull through." I DO want to cry about it for a minute and be sad and have a 5 second pity party because I haven't yet done that. So, I ask that you allow me some moments of selfishness because I need them right now! Then, once I am over it, I will pick back up and be strong again. But right now, I don't have the energy. I need my Derek and my sister, Kelly, who will look me in the eye and say "WE are pulling through this because WE love you and WE love Dan." I am a blessed girl.

Here are some great photos from our last week of fun time with friends in Bama and our Beckenhauer visitors here in Louisiana.

Instrument....

When Dan was about 10 or so, he was shot point blank in the face with a beebee gun by a friend of his (some friend). The beebee lodged itself into Dan's soft palate and just a millimeter short of his optic nerve. Because of it proximity to his optic nerve, the doctors chose to leave the bullet in his face.

We don't know when, but at some point in Dan's dental history, he had a couple of root canals done. He went back into the dentist this week for a simple follow up that he had been scheduled for and learned some shocking news. Upon examination of the XRay, the dentist noticed that stuck in Dan's gum (in one of his very last molars' area) that there was a small DENTAL INSTRUMENT that had broken off during a root canal years ago and was still there.

So today, Dan had to go back to the dentist and have his root canal opened up and have the instrument removed. The dentist was optimistic that they would be able to remove the instrument but in the worst case, Dan's molar would have to be pulled so that he could be deployable. HUH!? Until this issue is taken care of, the dentist put him on "not deployable" status because of the risk of major infection that could set in at any moment, all these years later.

We know that this situation has to be figured out because Dan's leaving in a few weeks to start his 15 months away from home. But come on!! Who could have ever expected this!? Definitely not me. So now, Dan's got a bullet and a medical instrument permanantly lodged into that pretty face of his.

Stay tuned on Dan's crazy medical issues....

Highs and Lows

I am overwhelmed to the core by how many people are praying for us. TO THE CORE. It is in times like these when you completely realize how truly loved and appreciated you are. Speaking as a military wife and former Air Force officer, I can say first hand that there are long stretches of time that you feel taken for granted. But the amounts of thank you's and prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf just has been astounding to me. And I am caught in complete waves of highs and lows.

It hasn't hit me yet how long this deployment will be taking the love of my life away from me. I know that it will and I know that the first months of him being gone will be the toughest. But we have lots to look forward to.... For example, we have actively begun trying for Baby Beall #2. Many of my closest girlfriends have questioned this decision but my sweet Dan has wanted another baby for over a year now. He desperately wants our kids closer together, much like Kelly and I are and he and his brother, Todd, are. But I kept putting it off and putting it off. Well, now is time to "bite the bullett" and have another one so that Dan is happy and so that Noah isn't an only child for wayyyy too long! So, I ask that you pray that if God is ready to bless us with Baby Beall #2 that it will happen as soon as possible.

My best friend on this planet (aside from Danny, my mom and my sis), Lydia (another Air Force intel officer and my sister soul mate) was realllly upset about this decision to try for another baby because she doesn't want me to be too stressed. She brought up so many good points. And yes, having a pregnancy and a toddler and then a new baby and a toddler while you are all alone isn't optimal.

But this new baby will be an extension of the man that I love so much who is so far away from us. Thus, if Danny wants another baby now and is willing to miss out on the pregnancy, birth and much of the child's first year, then how in the world can I deny him another child? I won't do that and I rejoice in our decision to start trying again before he leaves in a month.

Blessings and encouragement are coming from the "randomest" of places. On Facebook, my sweet friend from college, Barry, has started a prayer chain to all of his friends and family members. Well, low and behold, one of his friends happens to be a member of the Oakridge Boys and he personally emailed Barry a message to me and Dan. He sent us an invitation to one of their concerts to be guest of honor as soon as Dan returns from serving our country in Afghanistan!

My dear friend, Lindsey Beckenhauer (her blog is "Our Sweet Joy" in my blogroll) emailed me the sweetest message from one military wife to another. And her words were perfect - exactly what I needed at that moment. She told me that she's reading a book about joy and the discipline of mourning and she almost gave me the "permission" (no, she didn't literally give me permission, but she reinforced the emotions to mourn that have been bubbling up at the surface) to mourn. Here is the quote and the verse from the book she's reading that she sent me: "This time will come when all of us will be done mourning --- but that time is not now; that time doesn't exist on this earth. We need to mourn. Mourning invites us to a deeper life. It takes us beyond the surface to give us a glimpse of the world as God sees it." "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mat 5:4. How perfect for me to read first thing yesterday morning! (Thanks, Linds)

And the prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf by soo many who love us near and far - I have shed so many tears because they are lifting up the emotions I am struggling with the most. My sweet, precious friend Boothe Blanton Farley - who most of you are familiar with from her journey with her baby girl, Copeland, has sent messages to her hundreds of prayer warriors to be lifting up Dan as he goes to fight the War on Terror. Talk about powerful: Boothe's prayer army is massive and I am honored to know she has sent them to "battle" in prayer for my husband's safety.

Thank you all. All of you. Thank you. I am honored to log on every day and see that we have so many people who are lifting us up. You have no idea what your comments, emails and phone calls mean to this military wife.

Heavy Heart...

Thank you all for your prayers. We were holding out a slight glimmer of hope that this deployment would pass us by until we found out for sure today. However, once Dan sat down with his commander and talked to some of his intel community buddies, he realized that this was a deployment that was meant for him to accept (not like he ultimately had a choice, though). So, we embark on a 15+ month journey of being apart.

We were waiting to hear from his buddy at the intelligence assignment center and his opinion was going to be the final opinion to consider before Dan stopped chasing down other options. When he heard that this deployment was far and away better than "98%" of all other intelligence deployments, we were both sold that this was the path Dan's career was to take.

He's up for Major board this year and we think that this is the best step for him to take career wise. It will be so challenging for our family and I continue to ask for prayer in this next year and a half. But I feel an eerie peace all around me and I am grateful for that.

Dan will be a solid addition to the Army team he will be joining up with and I am thankful he's my husband. I feel that our country is better because of men and women like him that are willing to give life and limb in service of our great nation. Dan will leave in a few short weeks to begin his combat training in preparation for this deployment. That is a hard sentence to type: combat training......

Continue to lift up my husband, Noah's daddy, Todd's brother, Kelly and Annie's brother-in-law, and Carol and Brad Beall's (as well as Jack and Janice Hawkins's) son in your daily prayers. He's an adored man and I want him back with us all safe and sound.

But my heart is also with this nation's mission in the Middle East and I find mySelf being as selfless as I can possibly be in this situation. I want peace - ultimate peace - that we find in Christ Jesus shared worldwide and who better than to go forth and help spread the Good News as he spreads Democracy than Dan? I can think of no one better.

Thanks again to you incredible Prayer Warriors.

Deployment

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”-- Joshua 1:9

Many of you found out this morning (and some last night by phone calls from either me or Dan or us both) that Dan will be deploying to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom with the Army (mind you, he's an Air Force intelligence officer....) for a total of 15 months. Yes, we just got to Barksdale and yes, it doesn't make sense that he's going in support of the Army troops on the ground. But, this seems to be the hand we have been dealt so we are choosing to trust God's plan for our life and take it in stride.

Normal Air Force deployments are no more than 6 months. Anything longer is considered a short or long tour. Unfortunately, this won't even count as Dan's long tour so we are really upset about that. That will mean he will still have to do a 1 year remote (i.e. Qatar or Korea or Iraq or Afghanistan again) tour of duty again soon. And this particular one isn't a cushy deployment, this is Dan going into the actual war zone in Afghanistan - something we never thought possible. Ever.

Dan says if he wanted to fight the war on the ground, he would have commissioned into the Army or Marines... not the Air Force. And we understand that military families all around the world are going through this very same thing, but that by no means makes it any easier. Why's he going in support of the Army? Well, because the Army has tapped all of its resources in this ongoing war. The Army's looking to the other branches for resources and personnel support. Dan's going to a place that we have been in actual war status against for 8 years now. His primary job will be to continue to establish relations and Democracy within the Afghan population.

We obviously are having to reconsider when we will start trying for baby #2 since at this point, Dan won't even return back home till after Noah's 3rd birthday (in February 2011). So that throws another wrench into this deal - if we do conceive baby #2 anytime soon, Dan will miss the entire pregnancy and the first 9 months of our child's life.

I have gotten a lot of phone calls of support and I thank those who have reached out. Please understand that I am not in a "chatty" mood just yet and don't want to talk about it right now. We are going through various stages of coping and grief and are spending as much time as possible together before he leaves, which he will leave for training very soon.

I am doing all that I can to be supportive and be strong where my husband is weak. He's so sad to think of leaving us - especially Noah - for so long. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he feels when he has to think of being separated from our boy and his best buddy like that. I ask for prayer because I don't know if I have energy in me to be as strong as I need to be. My defenses are already weakened from the amount of stress and change we have experienced in the past months of moving and changing our entire lives. But I am called to be a strong and steady fixture in my husband's weakness so I am determined to find that strength within me - for my husband, my boy and our parents who are beside themselves right now.

To ask any of you to fully understand what we are going through emotionally is futile so I ask meekly that you please pray for us right now. Pray that if this isn't what God has for our family that He will PLEASE take this from us. We are on our knees here and I ask you - our extended network of friends and family - to please join us.

** I uploaded a few of the photos I actually have of my handsome hubby in his uniform. The one of him by himself was taken when we were stationed in South Carolina about 4 years ago. He's now a Captain so his rank on his uniform has changed. **