Wow!!

Everyday I am continuing to improve and God has really used this time at home and given me "beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair."

We are within 4 weeks of relocating to Japan and we are soooo excited to see Dan again! Noah's got the countdown going. And the wedding of my little sister is 3.5 weeks away. Being a matron of honor is a lot of work! Albeit, joyous work.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and emails. I know I have let some of my readers down by not posting faithfully or posting about the depression. But hopefully my brutal honesty is helping someone else who might not know how depressed they truly are. I didn't know how down I was till I got home to Alabama and my parents and sister witnessed me hit rock bottom while my husband was across the world.

If you think that this sounds like you, there is a way out!!! Called anti depressants!! And prayer. God didn't make us to crawl through life: He intended for us to jump with joy at the beginning of each day. I'm daily coming closer and closer to that jumping!!

Thank you for your support. My lighter posts about hair cuts and kids are gonna start again soon :)

Not easy.

I have started to write a blog entry time after time and have slammed my computer shut. Y'all know I'm real - but staying real on a daily basis is hard.

(take a deep breath, GO.....) I've been dealing with serious depression. There. You know what's wrong. Since at least last Thanksgiving, I've been on a downward spiral. I hit rock bottom during my sisters bachelorette weekend in New Orleans. I'll spare y'all the details but I was a nanosecond away from self combustion.

I miss my husband, my babies (while beautiful) are such a handful, transitioning from America to Japan, living in meantime with my family, it's been a tough time for me. Yea, it could be much much worse but I was in some dark places. Closest I've ever been from marking "yes" on the doctors questionnaire about if you want to hurt yourself..... That bad.

After an emergency visit to the psychiatrist here in Montgomery, (and short of being committed) I was prescribed some meds and within 48 hours, I felt a foot closer to normal.

When you are that depressed, you think you are normal. Yet those around you are broken trying to make you see how broken you are! It's a vicious cycle.

These months home before heading to Japan have been blessed but so trying. It's a humbling experience to walk outta the fog that depression leaves you in and realize you have a LOT to account for; lots of folks who deserve reconciliation because of my faults.

A friend I haven't been. A good wife, Nope. An attentive mom, I've tried. A best friend to my sister, what's that? You get the drift.

I'm daily walking more closely hand on hand with my God. And am the biggest proponent of medication; it has been what allowed me to feel normal again. And if I'm on it for the rest of my earthly days, I'm cool with that because the darkness I've been wading thru has been way brutal.

There. Ya have it. I'm not strong, I'm not a great military wife. I am trying to make it one breath to the next for myself, my husband, my babies, my family and my friends. If I've hurt you, please forgive me. I'm truly sorry.

Love, Me.

Trojans!

We are having such a good time cheering on the Trojans this last month before we move to Japan!

Fun Times!

We are having such a good summer in Alabama. In the past couple of weeks, we have gone to the condo in Panama City Beach with my sweet friend, Amy and her babies and had a BLAST! The kids are all the same age and it was a truly memorable time.

Kelly's fiance Adam came to see us for a couple of days and they got a lot of wedding planning business taken care of - including their engagement portraits. They are so perfect for one another and we can't wait for them to be united in marriage in 2 months. (www.kellyandadamwedding.com)

I am steadily getting more and more fit each day by working my tail off at CrossFit. I LOVE it but HATE it all at the same time. It is intense but effective. Love waking up and starting my day with that workout downtown Montgomery.

We have spent a ton of time at the pool here at the Waters. Noah and Ellyotte have become such swimmers and little fish. It is so fun to watch them swim together.

Ellyotte turned TWO on 21 July! I have a blog entry about this past year with her that I will do at some point this weekend.

And Noah... Noah asked Jesus into his heart to live forever the other night before bedtime. I am such a proud mama. The only thing missing is Danny -  we miss him while he's in Japan so very much. But, he'll be back for the wedding in 2 months and we can't wait to see him and start our new life in Asia!

I am teaching still - next term is in about a week. And this next weekend, let the bachelorette festivities begin! Kelly and I are taking 10 of our best girlfriends/bridesmaids to NEW ORLEANS! We are staying in a fabulous hotel on Canal Street and will be there Thursday - Sunday. Red Dress Run is Saturday - we have our COSTUMES READY!!!!! Whooo hooo!

Info for Japan

Many have asked what our new information is in Japan. So here ya go!

Major Dan Beall and Family
PSC 76 Box 8284
APO AP 96319-0061

And our phone number is: 011 81 176 66 2065

Remember that we are 14 hours ahead of Central time if you desire to call Danny!!

Just a Few

I have been meaning to upload some pictures lately but obviously haven't gotten around to it! Dan promoted to Major on 31 May, the day before we left Barksdale AFB, Louisiana. We had a really nice, low key promotion ceremony in the CIC - the secure building where Dan worked, and his Squadron CC LtCol Nesbitt promoted him. The kids loved being a part of it.

Afterwards we had a great and super fun promotion party at the Silver Star - it was a nice send off from Louisiana for us. Now... if we can just sell our home, our ties from LA will officially be severed! Speaking of that home.... what a thorn in our side.

Gumbo Kitty went to Japan with Dan and is taking over our new, on base home. It will be our HOME - albeit humble! Ha! We are living on base in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 story, newly renovated house. We will be rocking the UV overhead lights and the linoleum floor. Oh yeah!

The funny looking car is Dan's commander mobile that has been handed down from commander to commander. We are now the proud owners of the "Toaster Van." Wow.

Ellyotte will be 2 next week. It is so crazy to me how quickly her first two years have flown by. We will be having a party at the pool at the Waters, where my folks live. I am posting a picture of their beautiful home and the carriage house they are having built. Once it is finished (soon) the kids and I will move into it. It will be awesome having some alone time and separation for the three of us. We are really blessed that my folks chose to do this.

Daddy's in Japan

17 days now... Daddy's been gone to Misawa, Japan that long. And lemme tell you: talking to anyone in Japan, one would think that it'd be easy as pie. They invented the future; Dan LIVES in the future 14 hours ahead of Central time! But... it's been a nightmare.

Skype ain't working. Dan's new Japanese iPhone 4 only RECEIVES texts and pictures - doesn't send them!!! What?! We can't get a home phone (Vonage - a US number) till we have a WiFi connection - our computer is on a boat somewhere between NW Louisana and the Northernmost point of mainland Japan.... Gah. Needless to say, we are so super frustrated with having to pay so much to talk for 5 mins at a time! Danny is worth it though.

We miss Dan so much. Noah especially. He's 4 and just is really struggling with the changes. Since May, we have moved from Louisiana, visited family in DC, then to the Beach, then to Nashville, then back to Alabama where Dan left for Japan. Our kids - and us - have been through many changes in a month and a half. Noah is our pride and joy. He's our first born, the beloved, single red head of the family. He does, however, have the attitude and strong will to match his hair color. Couple in the fact that his daddy has moved to the other side of the planet and he's uber aware of that and you have one crazy, beligerent, mean, strong willed child. He's hitting. He's biting. He's striking out and disrespecting ME only - no one else. And.... I am struggling.

I have had only a FEW really close friends call and check on me. And while I didn't have expectations, I did think that I would have more emotional support. My kids are not doing well: Ellyotte walks around this strange house (my folks') crying for Daddy and Noah won't even talk to Dan when he does get a chance to call. He's so angry. In fact, I was awakened at 3 AM last night to fists being beaten in my face: Noah was screaming at me, crying for Daddy and beating the hell out of me. Not... OKAY.

I don't want a pity party. But what I DO need are prayers. Prayers for peace for Noah - he is totally prone to hitting me, or biting, or screaming that he hates me because his daddy is so far away. Ellyotte is handling it better. She's a Mama's girl anyway so I am handling her MUCH better. But, Noah needs prayer for peace - as do I. It takes all I can do to wake up and deal with him from day to day lately.

This is my update. Sorry if it is unappetizing for some. I am tired of being politically correct in order to save others from my feelings.

I am doing Cross Fit daily and it is allowing me a HUGE outlet for anger and stress. The best and hardest workouts I have ever had. My coach is relentless and I love it! My kids DO have an amazing sitter. Kelsey is coming several days of the week and takes them swimming and loves on them when I can't or need a break. She rocks.

My computer is about to pass out from lack of power so I will end this now. But will definitely update more soon!

Hi Everyone! Just a quick hello from this moving, Air Force family! Dan actually moves tomorrow - with Gumbo - to Japan. NOT HAPPY! But, inevitable and we feel confident that God has us going there for a great reason. There are so many updates - but I am going to spend this afternoon with my husband and kids and try to make some last minute memories before Dan leaves US soil! Here are our family portraits that my good friend, Weslie Woodley took of us during our visit to Northern Virginia. She's so talented! We are grateful for the beautiful shots as we prep for this new phase in our life.