Brushing and Growing

Obviously, Noah's not the only one who is growing these days! I am 15 weeks along in this pregnancy and my belly has popped out like it did when I was about 6 months along with Noah. This baby is in a hurry to make its presence known! Thankfully, I am carrying higher this time around so I haven't had to bust out the maternity clothes just yet. Ugh, and I am hoping I can hold off on maternity clothing for as LONG as is possible!

Noah's obsessed with brushing his teeth; which is okay by me. He will go and brush them several times a day! He's growing so fast and I am just amazed by this precious little boy. He has become even more attached to me now that his daddy is gone for a while but he looks forward to his nightly Skype sessions with Daddy on the "puter."
Here's my two boys - and Piper - doing "Man Things" and really enjoying each other's company. We miss Daddy!

Just an Update

God's doing a number in my life these days. He's trying and trying to show me ways that I can become more patient (which I am not sure I am succeeding at yet) and He's testing me almost every minute. This separation time from Dan has NOT been an easy go this time round, unfortunately.

Dan was supposed to be boarding a plane to Afghanistan till 2011 in the next couple weeks... Praise God that he's only in Texas. I am reminding myself of that constantly. But, it is still trying to find out that AFTER he's done with this ridiculous training at the end of February, he's set to go somewhere else immediately afterwards for yet another month. So, I think my frustration right now lies in Noah's absolute confusion about where his daddy is right now and having to get used to Dan being gone for an additional month. Again, I remind myself that he's safe and a phone call away. Praise God.

This pregnancy is flying by! I didn't think it would - the exhaustion has been much different this go of it. Last pregnancy, I exercised all through my first trimester (I'm now in the 2nd) but this time around, my exercise seems to be a) chasing Noah and b) the daily "wok" we take Piper on at the end of the day (NOT strenuous!). I just can't get it together to put on my running shoes and hit the pavement!

My second term teaching for Troy University is now in full-swing. This time, I have almost 3 dozen students in my class and we are in week 3 of 9 weeks. It is hard grading all of the writing assignments they are turning into me, but I have to remind myself that I was the one who assigned them!! I love being able to teach from home - or wherever I have my laptop. It is a liberating and challenging experience and this time, I have some really awesome students: many are parents, working full time, some serving in Afghanistan/Iraq while taking my course, one in Italy, another in Korea, and several have already retired and are finishing their degrees or are about to retire in the next few months. It is a a humbling experience to be teaching so many who are far more accomplished than I.

I am teaching in the Political Science department for TU and I am signed on to teach for as long as I want, as many terms as I want; it is incredible.
I have an appointment tomorrow with my fabulous doctor - she's awesome: a civilian at a civilian hospital (I am so thankful to be seen off-base; don't want to ever have another baby in a military facility). I am looking forward to hearing our little one's heartbeat again. This doctor is way cool in so many ways: she's young, she's hilarious and she is a WOMAN! Whoo Hoo!

They weighed me last appointment with Dan in the room and I laid down the line: I said "do NOT say what I weigh out loud, and don't tell me what I weigh." So they had me turn around and didn't mention my starting weight. I made the decision after last pregnancy and the struggle I had to lose all the almost 50 lbs that I would never again do that to myself.

So, my doctor promised to not tell me my starting weight or my ending weight in July. I just asked her that if I started gaining too much or too fast that she point it out. I can't tell you the freedom I am feeling from not knowing and knowing that I won't know. I was obsessed with weight last time and still gained a ton. So it will be nice to enjoy it this time around and not be obsessive. I will eventually lose it so there is no point worrying now!

We had an ultrasound at 9 weeks but I won't have another one till February. I am going to wait till Dan is home to find out the sex so even though I am only a few weeks away from being able to know, we want to find out together. So hopefully we will get an appointment for the last couple of days of February. That was the appointment when we got the news with Noah that he had clubbed feet, so we are praying against that in advance this time around. That appointment for Noah led us to many nights on our knees praying against his clubbed feet - and what a miracle we received - but we are praying against a deformity like that from the start this time around.

I am signing off now - Noah went to bed at 6 pm tonight after playing HARD all day today. I spent a lot of energy trying to wear him out to keep his mind off of his daddy being gone so we are both weary! Here are the pictures from our trip to Mobile where we watched Troy vs CMU in the 2010 GMAC Bowl. We had a great time.

The Hardest Job

Prior to becoming Noah's mom, when I thought of the hardest career fields, I thought of air traffic control or funeral home directors. Not parenting. Yet never in my entire life have I felt more helpless or out of control or unsure as I do each day that I try to parent.

Today has been difficult - actually the whole week has been challenging. Noah and I went home to Alabama to join my family in Mobile to support our TROY Trojans at the GMAC Bowl. As most of you know, my dad is chancellor of Troy University so anytime there is a big event - such as a bowl game - there will always be a week full of events prior that we have to go to.

Noah joined us in New Orleans last year for that bowl game, but he wasn't even a year yet. So he was a more flexible human then. But now that he's 2 in one month, he's not so easy. Fun, yes, easy, NO. He had a blast in Mobile: from the incredible hotel suite with a view of the boats in the harbor and trains coming and going, to the football game, parades, good food and many a marching band. That young man had the time of his life but sleeping in a strange bed in a strange and noisy place was next to non-existant for me and my kid.

And with Dan TDY for a long time, it is even more difficult because I am parenting alone. We had just come off of having the Bealls in Louisiana and Noah had been RUINED with all the attention he'd received over the Christmas break. Then we came straight to Alabama where he continues to relish being the absolute center of his grandparents' universe. Today he absolutely pulled my last chain.

I am already extremely worn thin by exhaustion from this second pregnancy. I am almost out of the first trimester - but am no less exhausted. And I am exhausted from Noah not napping much longer than a half hour, hour at the most and being 110% sun up till bedtime - DESPITE being soooo tired that he looks like he's been punched in the eyes from lack of napping. He's become so incredibly self centered and demanding that, while I always love him, I don't like him much. Couple that demanding attitude with pregnancy exhaustion and single parenting and you have a recipe for a miserable mom. Oh, how I miss my husband!

Back to today.... All day, he's hit me in the face, yelled "NO!" at the top of his voice, run away from me, and the list goes on. When he arched his back in his carseat and refused to be buckled in and smacked me for the second time, I lost it. So, he got a spanking on his thigh. Didn't work - nothing did because he was determined to have his tantrum (the first of so many today alone). I hate responding to his hitting with spanking, but he honestly doesn't respond to any other technique. And that breaks my heart. Dobson calls it a "strong willed child." And I have to agree: I have given birth to the strongest willed child this generation has ever known. Yet on the flipside, he's the sweetest.

Tonight, we went out to dinner and it turned into a dinner from hell. Noah jumped from his highchair, ran from me, wouldn't eat, threw his food, and just embarrassed the mess out of me and then proceeded to SCREAM the entire way home for candy (yet he didn't eat his dinner), so on the way home I had a mild to moderately severe breakdown. It was horrifying and I had reached my limit of being "horrified" by a 23 month old that Dan and I brought into this world. Thankfully, my mom and dad took over and put him to bed (which is still at 6:30, no matter what) allowing me to calm down. But it took a while because I felt like such a failure.

Where have we gone wrong? Why does my sweet child hit me? Yell at me? Run from me? One thing that calms him down is seeing me cry; he will stop misbehaving immediately and come up to me, grab my face with both hands and wipe my eyes and say "mommy, why crying? I yuv you, mommy." Most of the time, that makes everything better. But today, it just didn't help.

I guess I need to get back into the books, the basics: scripture (which I ALWAYS need more of), Dobson, and so many other parenting books I have yet to desire to crack open. For the longest time, I didn't think he was a strong willed child, but these last several weeks and his almost 2 attitude have forced me to change my mind.

I love Noah, I would give my life this moment for him. But to say that I always like my child would be a lie. I have never felt more helpless than I feel somedays when I am faced with a challenging child. Dan and I want to do the right thing in how we parent him but each child is so different that figuring out what is "right" can be daunting and scary. And I am exhausted. I am tired of asking others, reading, trying to rationalize with a toddler! Where's the magic potion to being a perfect parent that raises the perfect child?! I know it must be out there!

I pray that this second blessing from God is every bit as perfect, healthy, beautiful and sweet spirited as my Noah. But I also add to that prayer that he/she be less strong willed, more flexible, and all around easier. From colic for the first 4 months to hitting and yelling the past several weeks, Noah has given us a run for the money; he's not let up once since he took his first breath and I am just ready for a break! Oh, but how I do love that redhead.

Please don't be put-off by my complaining. It is the last thing that I want to do: complain about my healthy and precious child. I guess it is my small hope that there are other friends out there who struggle with the same thing each day and can offer some encouragement or advice. I would never want to hurt God by complaining about petty things that my child does to upset me; He has blessed me and my husband beyond measure. I guess I just didn't expect the challenges that CAME with those boundless blessings!

This Decade

I admit that I really dislike reading other blogs that go on and on and on... and on about how "blessed" the authors are. They aren't authentic. Speaking for only myself, I think blogs can not only be used to share your life stories and joy, but also your lessons learned and your pain. I tend to grow when I read that other peoples' lives aren't perfect either, and that there are challenges that I can read about and learn from. Again, that is just me. So, if I ever get too long winded about how "blessed" my life is, I do apologize. Because I am the first to be critical when others tell only the good and act like that is all that happens in their lives!

But this year, while challenging, has been a wonderful year. My family has remained healthy and happy, we had a great 3 years in Hawaii and had a smooth move to Louisiana, Dan dodged (slightly!) the 15 months abroad in Afghanistan - yes, because of a TUMOR, but still!, and we are excited to welcome our new addition in the year to come. God has been good to us.

Yet this Christmas season, my heart was incredibly burdened by the pain that others close to me were experiencing. The innocence that Christmas once held for me as a child is long gone and it is a battle to wrangle even a smidge of that innocent feeling each year as an adult. I so wish that that innocence was a guarantee to all of us for all of our lives.

2009 brought a lot of pain to many: this economy has caused monetarily stable families to go without and not be able to provide for their children this Christmas (we saw a lot of that here in Louisiana), my family has lost friends, namely our sweet friend/brother Chris Patterson just one month ago, the War on Terror hit way too close to home for my comfort causing me to be on my knees more than I have ever been before, and several of my friends have had horrible sorrows from family deaths to miscarriages. Yet, through it all, God remained present and His love remained unchanged for all of us.

I felt this year, more than others, that God cried with His children. I felt the sadness he experienced with each of us as we mourned - and continue to mourn - and He stands firm in His sorrow with us. However, the promise of HOPE continued to poke through the clouds this year. When I have felt so, so down and full of unspeakable sorrow, I have felt the HOPE that He wants us to know is ours if we allow ourselves to be available to it.

Decades in the 19-whatevers seemed to be really significant when they changed. This whole 2000 thing is just wierd to me! I didn't realize till yesterday that we are entering into a whole new decade (I know, obvious right?!). And I am not sad to say goodbye to this decade. I am not necessarily happy to enter into a new one, because it means that a) I am 30 and only getting older and b) that my sweet baby Noah is no longer a baby but entering the terrible-twos quickly. But the promise of a new decade is wonderful. Shoot, we aren't promised ANYTHING but the thought of entering a new decade is refreshing.

I started this decade a college sophomore who had just turned 21 with a lame boyfriend who wanted to do nothing but watch the ball drop - at 11:00 - in my parent's den in Troy. Even my parents were out that night. But towards the end of 2002, I met my soulmate and never looked back. Each year that I ring in with him brings a new level of intimacy and richness that I never thought one could find in a partner. To know that he's who I will be ringing in the new year with each year that we are allowed time on this earth together is awesome. I never have to wonder who my new year's kiss will be again! HA!

Katie leaves this first decade of the millenium no longer a Hawkins, no longer a single woman, no longer waiting to meet my firstborn. I leave this decade knowing (as I have for the past 17 years) that my heart belongs to my Savior, that I married God's PLAN A for my life and that he's the protector of my earthly heart. I leave this decade as a mom to my Noah Everard, as a new mom to our yet unborn baby and children to come, as a college professor, a little more out of shape than I want to be (but, hey, I am pregnant...!) and still childlike in my faith. My heart has been hardened in the past decade by heartbreak and stress, but my heart also continues to be healed by God's unwaivering love for me every day. I am never where I want to be in my walk with Christ, but I am so thankful that He's daily showing me where I can grow so I can move closer and closer to Him.

Praise God for new beginnings. I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Christmas in the Bayou

We had so much fun with the Beall clan here from Virginia and Pennsylvania! We chose to spend our holiday here since Dan was supposed to be headed to Afghanistan by now and are glad we didn't change that when his deployment was changed.

We laughed so much with Brad (Poppy), Carol (Grammy), Todd (Dan's brother) and Annie (Todd's gorgeous wife). We ate tons, relaxed, played, spoiled Noah rotten and really had a great time. It was a Christmas to remember!

I missed my mom, dad and Kelly so much but we have promised next Christmas to be with them at the Waters - with an almost 3 year old Noah and a new baby! They might want to send us home early :)

No, No, Hitting, and Total Aversions

Wow, what a hard thing it is to do to be in the beginning stages of a pregnancy and dealing with a TODDLER! I had heard that the toddler years - or the "terrible twos" - were nothing to laugh at, but come on!!! And add to that the fact that I have felt like a donkey kicked me in the face due to a nasty sinus infection and you have one hot mess of a Katie.

I haven't heard the word 'No' so much in the past 10 years as I have in the past few weeks in my house. I ask him for a hug first thing in the morning, I get a "NO, mommy," Dan asks him if he wants to watch t.v. with him and he gets a loud "NO, daddy." We can't get it right!

And the hitting?! Where did Noah learn that?! He thinks NOTHING of pulling his little arm back and slamming it into our faces - yes, faces - when he's mad about something. I cannot agree with Dobson's theory more: I have a "strong willed child." And he's violently strong willed.

It is so tough to figure out how to discipline him appropriately. We hate reacting to his hitting by spanking him but that is honestly the ONLY thing (coupled with a straight up crib time out) that will work. When his daddy spanks him on his bottom, it hurts his feelings so bad that he just whimpers (heartbreaking). But what else can we do?! We tell him "no hitting," we put him in time out, we spank when necessary, we pray.... what did you all do when you went through this phase? This is NOT okay at all.

It has been especially hard for me to parent lately because after recovering from an upper respiratory infection, travelling to Alabama for 2 weekends in a row, only to then develop the worst possible sinus infection - all while dealing with a different pregnancy than the one I had with Noah. There have been days that I wake up only to count how many hours till Noah's naptime and then bedtime! I feel so bad about that because my little boy has been seeing me at my weakest. But, a sweet husband who has allowed me to sleep tons and antibiotics are getting me back on my feet ASAP and just in time for the Bealls to visit for Christmas. Whoo hoo!

This baby hasn't made me downright sick yet (although I have had a few "episodes") but 'he' has given me exhaustion and aversions that I never experienced with Noah. If I go too long without eating in the early - late afternoon, I can forget it: I never catch up with the nausea. So I am constantly forcing myself to eat. And textures and consistancies are giving me fits this time around. I usually eat salad constantly and I cannot bring myself to eat salads at all. In fact, most anything I try to eat makes me nausceous. It is so foreign to me to be turned off by foods, but it is happening every single day.

The things I can't get enough of are Perrier, pickles, peanut butter, fruit and occasionally Taco Bell. And I have to nap at least once a day... which is hard to do now that my little boy is sleeping 13 hours at night straight and only napping about an hour - hour and a half. But I cannot complain: he does sleep at night allowing me to go to bed way early!

Dan's about to take off for 2 months to some training. He will leave right after the New Year. And my Term 3 course with Troy University starts the first of the year too so that will be a great way - along with Noah - to stay busy once he's gone. I will miss him terribly but anything is better than 15 months to Afghanistan. Praise God!

We have so much to be thankful for this Christmas season. Thank you for allowing me the chance to 'vent' about disciplining Noah and being sick with Baby Beall #2. We are overjoyed at the blessings that 2009 brought us; God has given us so much to be abundantly thankful for and 2010 will bring another incredible blessing in our 2nd born.

When I think about the road we were facing with Dan going away for 15 months and how he had to have immediate surgery that thus kept him from deploying, I cannot believe the way that God stepped in and answered our prayers. To think that he could be fighting a war so far away - something he hasn't been trained to do - brings me such humility because he was spared. And to think of the heartbreak that so many of our loved ones have faced this past year, it brings me to my knees with a thankful heart. God is good, all the time. Even when we don't understand His ways, we have to know that He loves us and wants only the best for us.

FDA Recall

I am definitely not one of those who emails everyone a forward as soon as it comes to my inbox. Nor is my husband. But today, he emailed me a warning he received at work regarding Slim Fast being recalled.

I have several boxes lying around because I was still working at keeping off my weight that I lost after Noah was born (and then I go and get pregnant again... HA!). So we are either going to take them back to Target to get a refund or just throw them out. I wanted to share this warning with you all. Pass it along.

http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=437&z=43

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town!

We went back to Alabama this past weekend, except this time it was to celebrate Christmas a bit early with my family. And this time, Dan was able to come with us. It was still sobering to be back home when just a week earlier, Noah and I had to unexpectedly head home to say goodbye to Chris. But it was joyous, nonetheless.

We had a wonderful time with my family. We laughed, opened Noah's gifts, ate (well, everyone else did... I am struggling a bit with this baby!) and relaxed while the rain fell. On Saturday, my dad took me and Dan out to buy a new laptop which was my 30th birthday present from my folks. We met up with my mom and Noah at East Chase in Montgomery and Noah got to have his first visit with Santa!

Thankfully, there was no line whatsoever so we had the place to ourselves for a bit. I tried to sit Noah in Santa's lap and he wouldn't have it. So it took my parents, Dan, the photographer and the elves to get Noah to relax and actually smile! He waited till after about 12 shots were taken to smile.... but we finally got one with him smiling. I certainly didn't want to be in the photo but one of us had to while the other parent tried to get him to crack a smile for the shot. He was typical Noah: as soon as he got down from Santa's lap, he wanted back up and Santa was all he talked about for the rest of the day!

Dan and I finally had a date night... it seems like ages ago since we last went to the movies. But we went to see "The Blind Side" and loved. There is nothing as refreshing as seeing a movie that is uplifting and happy. We had a great time.

This weekend we have Dan's work Christmas party and it should be a lot of fun. Then a week from today, we have the rest of the Beall clan coming to Louisiana for Christmas! We are really looking forward to seeing them and being all together: Brad (Poppy), Carol (Grammy) and Uncle Todd and Aunt Annie will be with us for the week. We can't wait!

I am hanging in there with Baby Beall #2. It is hard to believe I am expecting.... again. But, we are rejoicing in each day of this pregnancy. I have an off-base OB that I will see in the next week or so and am looking forward to hearing the little guy's heartbeat and possibly having an ultrasound.

I felt absoutely fabulous till about a week ago. Then I got an upper respiratory infection that did me in and I am still recovering from that. Unfortunately, I think it has turned into a sinus infection that I hope clears up soon. Pregnancy wise, I am absolutely wiped out most days! I don't remember this exhaustion when I was carrying Noah.

And although I am not constantly nausceous, I do struggle with night time sickness. It hits me about 4 pm and if I don't stay diligent about eating frequently (which I don't want to do because my stomach hurts) then I lose control of the nausea and get pretty sick. So that is a cycle I am soon hoping will pass. I never got sick with Noah (until later in the pregnancy when indigestion became my enemy!) so this is a new thing.

The other thing that is much different about this pregnancy is that I am already starting to show! WOW, you really pop out earlier with Baby #2 than with Baby #1. I guess it is because your body already knows what to do?! It is wild to me. And I think it is another boy... I just KNEW Noah was going to be a boy; no doubt in my mind. That is how I am feeling about this one too. We shall see!

This Week in Photos

Til Eternity, My Friend

Many of you know what an intertwined relationship my family has with the Patterson family. From the moments Kelly and I first drew breath on this earth, we have been a part of that family and they of ours.

My dad and Dr. Doug Patterson have been best friends since grade school in Mobile, Alabama. They went to University of Montevallo together; they did ROTC together; they were fraternity brothers; they went to Vietnam together after they commissioned as active duty Marine Corps officers together.

When my dad went to be president of the Alabama Institute for Deaf and Blind, Dr. Patterson was his vice president. We grew up with their children - Lauren (their middle daughter) is my sister's lifelong best friend. They are like our siblings.

When we moved to Troy, AL in 1989, the Pattersons came too: he became vice chancellor while my dad was chancellor at the University. My parents were at the hospital when their oldest, Chris, and then Lauren and Natalie were born, and vice versa. There hasn't been a moment of my life that the Patterson family hasn't had an incredible presence, and I love them as if we shared the same blood. We lived within miles of each other. We played together. We vacationed together. We love each other.

About a month ago, Chris (who is several years older than I am) went on a cruise. While on vacation, he got sick. He tried to be seen by the doctor upon his return but the doctor kept encouraging him to treat the fever at home. The fever broke and he began feeling better, but only temporarily. He relapsed and was admitted immediately and placed into ICU.

For 3 weeks, Chris was on a ventilator, under heavy sedation and prayed for. His family rallied around his bedside and became prayer warriors for Chris. Natalie was able to come home from Florida State University, where she's a 2nd year law student and Lauren was able to make it home just less than a week ago from Ecuador where she's a professor.

We thought we had lost him last Sunday when his blood oxygen level dipped into the 30th percentile. But Chris came back and regained a 100% blood oxygen level the next day. They thought he might be coming out of the woods. We truly believed a miracle was taking place in his healing journey.

During his stay in ICU, he developed double pneumonia and ARDS. He also had 1/5 documented cases of Swine Flu (H1N1) that caused blood clots. The doctors had a terrible time trying to balance thinning his blood with treating the pneumonia.

My parents decided to come on out to Louisiana for Thanksgiving after going to Columbus, GA to see Chris and realizing he might be on the upswing. So we enjoyed a wonderful holiday but continued to cover Chris in prayer as a family from afar.

On Friday, 27 November, my family took me out for a delayed birthday celebration. When we returned to my and Dan's home, we got the call that Chris's blood oxygen level was below 10% and dropping. Within 10 minutes, Chris passed away leaving his family and so many people who loved him deeply with broken, shattered, shocked hearts. Yesterday (Saturday), we woke up and packed the cars and left for home as soon as possible.

Christopher Clarke Patterson was one of a kind. He was so much like his mom, Mrs. Lise: blonde, tall, handsome, quiet, funny. He was a man of few words but when he spoke, you listened and usually laughed. My first crush was on Chris when I was about 7 years old!

There are no words to explain the depth of pain that his precious family is experiencing right now. Everyone prayed SO HARD for Chris and we were confident he had pulled through. But we have to remember that God's ways are always higher than our ways. Yet that never makes the pain of losing a loved one more bearable. Never.

Tomorrow is Chris's visitation and Tuesday will be his funeral and burial. His funeral will be in Troy but they will bury Chris in Birmingham next to his grandfather who he adored and resembled so very much. We will bury a son, a brother, a friend, a great, great, great man who is gone long before we all thought it was time. This is so unnatural: parents are never supposed to bury their children.

Our world - for those of us who knew and loved Chris - is very sad right now. There is a pain surrounding all of us that will not soon depart. Even if you didn't know Chris Patterson, I ask you all to please pray for his mom and dad and sisters, Lauren and Natalie. It is their hearts that are truly breaking now and will break for days, months and years to come.