I remember the exhaustion I had in the days and weeks following Noah's birth. But this is a different kind of weariness. My bones ache, my eyes throb, my heart's sad, my whole being is stretched entirely too thin. To go through the list of "what's gone wrong" this week would be tiresome and too much for another to read, so please just take it for what it is worth when I say that I have almost had more than I can bear this week.
Maybe in days gone by, a good cry would help me relieve some stress but I can honestly say that I don't remember the last time that I really, really cried. I always have hated the aftermath of a cry-session: your eyes are swollen, your nose is stuffy, you feel vulnerable and weak. It is all too much for me usually. But tonight my sweet friend, Melanie, called me on my cell and then persisted when I didn't answer and called my house. All it took was for her to ask me what was wrong and the dams burst. A river of self-pity ran until it was dry. It was just what I needed...
My best friend, Lydia, tells me I am strong and capable and excellent... but why do I feel like I am living in a permanant complex puzzle? If it isn't one thing, it's another: it's the dog being super dependent, barking at EVERYTHING and not eating; it's my child not letting go of my leg because he can't understand why his daddy isn't coming home; it's my house falling into complete disarray as I stand by and watch it happen; it's the inability to sleep when sleep is not only desired but essential. I can be many things, but super-human is not one of them. And it seems this week that being super-human is a requirement in my home.
The loosely translated 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that "God never gives us more than we can bear." The actual verse is "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."
Basically, God never gives us more than He knows we can actually handle. And while He knows HOW we will choose to handle the given situation, He will sit back and watch us make the difficult decision to soar or fall, to succeed or to fail. And when we feel there is no way out of our given situation, God will always provide an escape. He will delight in our choice should we choose to take a stand against "temptation." Yet, I still feel like I am constantly standing on the edge of a cliff wondering if I am going to fly high off of it or fall flat on my face. I guess that accompanies being a Child of God: we are given struggles but we are ALWAYS given an escape route.
God desperately wants us to rest in Him; but knowing that and actually resting and knowing He is God are completely separate. I choose peace... no matter how it eludes me tonight.
