Happy 4 Years, My Love

October 15, 2005
A gorgeous early fall afternoon in Nashville, Tennessee. I was tired, maybe a bit hungover from the cheap champagne the night before. But I was the happiest bride around because I was becoming "one" with the absolute love of my life. Dan and I had done the whole long distance thing for 3 years. From 2002 to 2005 when we married, he was stationed in South Carolina and I was in Texas. It was nearly impossible to get stationed together unless I got out of the Air Force. So, one month before our wedding, I separated from active duty. And then we were able to marry and live together.
The week of our wedding, we found out we were to be moving to Hawaii in June 2006. Talk about some life changes on the horizon! But, we weren't bothered... we had 300 guests in town for our wedding and had a week + planned in St. Lucia. We were carefree - and kid free! All we had to worry about was each other and who would watch our cat (Maria). Life was incredible.
The morning of my wedding, I awoke with a headache and was sent back to bed - definitely not had enough sleep that week! But once I was up, and after a McDonald's run by my sweet sister, Kelly, and best friend, Lydia, I was somewhat ready to go.... My dad and I had to have our traditional run at Lipscomb's track though. THAT was hard to get through given my bad-champagne-headache! But, the memory of running with my daddy once more as a single girl is priceless. And that entire week, I had stayed at my Aunt Mamie and Uncle Bob's home... it was such a feeling of childhood for me. I have spent almost every night that I have ever been in Nashville throughout my life in their home. It is my "2nd home."I walked down the aisle at Woodmont Christian Church in Green Hills in my "dream dress:" Reem Acra's "Adored" dress of 2005. It was the first dress I tried on. My bridesmaids: Kelly, Brittney, Shannon, Lydia, Michelle and Annie walked down the aisle in champagne strapless gowns. They were visions. I couldn't have had more beautiful bridesmaids. My flower girls: McKenzie, Sutton, Gracie and Sarah Grayson (all my cousins) and my ring bearer, my cousin Sam were all dressed in hand made gowns/John Johns by my Aunt Dodie.
Seeing my intended at the end of the aisle tearing up as I walked down in my perfect dress and my cathedral length veil was everything I had ever imagined it to be.
My Aunt Mamie did most of the planning along with me - she's phenomenally talented. The flowers were the most vibrant fall colors. They made your eyes POP! And my precious Uncle Bob married us... I wouldn't have had another human on this earth recite our vows to us aside from my Uncle Bob.
Our reception was immediately after at Fontanel Estate just outside the Nashville city limits. It was the former log-cabin home of country star Barbara Mandrell. It was catered by Sodexho Marriott and was so gorgeous. I danced with my groom to Van Morrison's "Crazy Love" and then with my daddy to the song that he danced with at his and my mom's wedding in 1977: "Annie's Song." Dan danced with his mama to "Unforgettable." I could tell you that it was a perfect day but I would sound like I was bragging. To be honest, I was an exhausted and overwhelmed bride. But once we were in the honeymoon suite at the Hermitage in downtown Nashville, all was right with the world. I was with - finally - the man that God had ordained me to spend the rest of my life with. What a blessed young woman I was - and I still am.
Here we are 4 incredible years later with a love that grows more insanely deep each day and with a very active, smart and precious red-head to show for our love. Noah is the epitome of my and Dan's love for one another.
If I could go back and re-live October 15, 2005 I don't think I would. I would leave it just as it is in my memory: perfection. Praise God.

New Orleans Trip

We went down to New Orleans the weekend of 2 October. We stayed in the fabulous Hilton on St. Charles and really had a memorable weekend. I (Katie) developed food poisoning in the most severe way following our dinner on Saturday night but the SaturDAY portion was awesome! We took a carriage ride through the French Quarter, had a delicious breakfast at one of the famous places on Decatur Street, shopped, bought some artwork and had a really great day. Sunday, we had to check out early and head back North to Shreveport! I was so sick!

Maria

After a very roller-coaster-like weekend, I took my husband into his post-op appointment. That was after having the "boys" come this weekend, having my in-laws here this weekend (BLESS THEM!) and having a very insane 20 month old on my hands. I just had not been paying attention to the animals.

When we got home from New Orleans last weekend, I was fixated on the fact that I had food poisoning, not on the fact that our 9.5 year old cat had puked all over the house. And over the past week, I hadn't paid super close attention to the fact that Maria (who ALWAYS ate at 7 am and 5 pm on the dot) hadn't eaten much or touched her milk. She'd just slept and not done much else.

However, today when we got home from Dan's post op appointment, I noticed a supreme foul odor coming from my "baby girl." So when I looked in her mouth and realized that there was an abscess, I called her vet immediately. They said to bring her in right away.

I got there, in the middle of this incredible down-pouring of rain and brought my sweet kitty inside. Our vet ran some tests, sent me back out to pick up Dan's post-op prescriptions and told me to be back in a half hour.

When I got back, he told me that Maria's renal numbers were off the chart... in a deadly way. He told me that had I not brought her in, we would have had her start seizing at home within 24 hours at best and dead soon after. She'd developed serious ulcers in her mouth and was starving but couldn't eat because of the sores. She was anemic and dehydrated. He couldn't find a vein to draw blood from. It was awful.

I began to weep openly. I asked to call my mother-in-law, Carol, who was at my house with Noah and the boys. She had gone through this with their dog, Ebony, only a couple years back and I couldn't bear to say goodbye to Maria by myself. I had only left to get her checked out, not to put her to sleep.

The doc was super sweet and allowed me time to make the phone calls to Dan and my mother-in-law. But he stressed that every moment I struggled with my decision, Maria was hurting.

I came back in, said "do it NOW" and signed the paper work... after paying $200.00. Wow. $200 to kill your cat. Painful charge to approve. Before I had a chance to say goodbye and tell her what a precious addition she'd been to my life, the doctor had begun the process. She was THAT bad.

I asked to be with her in the process. But because she was so dehydrated and anemic, he couldn't find a vein. So he would have to stick her in the heart which would take about 30 seconds to make her die. I asked for sedation for her and he agreed. So, once I said "I love you" to my cat of almost a decade, he had a gas mask on her and began her final transition. I miss her already. She came to me at a time when I felt really alone - I was stationed in Texas by myself and was really struggling. I miss that warm body and sweet white face with the brightest blue/green eyes already.

To say that God is pressing us to trust him is such a challenge to accept - He's pushing me beyond all physical and emotional boundaries I ever expected possible at 29 and 3/4s. He's asking me to endure the rain and trust Him more than I ever have had to. That is HARD - so HARD and I am struggling. Even to put one's cat down in a time of complete struggle is such a sacrifice. When does the challenge to surrender stop?

I guess once I have totally surrendered.... I thought I had.

What a Week!

I must start by writing how sorry I am for asking and asking you all for prayers yet I have been so bad at keeping you all updated. We had one of the more challenging weeks imagineable last week. We had Dan's MRI last Monday. It revealed a massive tumor that the doctor said had to come out immediately. Yet the doc couldn't tell us what kind of tumor it was or if it was benign or malignent. That was a scary way to spend the week in uncertainty.

While I have been clear with you all that I was asking for the "rain" to come and while we really have been desiring and seeking God's total will for our lives, the "not-knowing" has been a very difficult thing to deal with. So many of you have asked how Dan's surgery will affect his deployment and the honest answer is "We do not know..." As of right now, Dan's still set to leave next weekend for training and that is what we are going with. Back to the surgery...

We finally got his surgery scheduled for this past Friday (2 days ago) here in Louisiana. Keep in mind, this is the day that his parents were arriving and the day before his 30th (early) birthday celebration. Both of those things on top of my new job starting this weekend with the beginning of Term II 2009 on Troy's eCampus! So, to say things were tough in our house this past weekend is a bit of an understatement. But we continue to take it all in stride because we have had no choice.

Dan's surgery was a bit more involved than we/the doctor expected. We dropped Noah off at our neighbor Joni's house at 5 a.m. At 7 a.m., she took her 2 year old Tyson and Noah to the other neighbor, Shannon, where Noah stayed for the rest of the day. PRAISE GOD FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS! I was totally overwhelmed by the help they provided us.

So at 5 a.m. we were off to the hospital. We got there, got Dan into a room and spoke at length with the doctor. Initially, he was telling Dan that he was good to deploy as long as there was a surgeon at his next duty station equipped to tend to the foot. But, after what was supposed to be an hour surgery turned into an almost 3 hour surgery, the story changed. The doctor came right out to me and flashed a photo in my face (of the tumor), said that he didn't know what to call it but it was 7 cm long and had its own blood supply and had started to spread up his leg. His first words were "I will NOT release him into anyone else's care." What do we do with that? He's supposed to leave in a week! The Air Force is counting on him. But, the surgeon has the final say. So we wait.

Dan has spent the entire weekend with his foot in a boot, on crutches, serious pain meds and in his red recliner. The wonderful part of the weekend - aside from his folks' visit - is that his 3 roomates and best friends from college came in for a TOTAL SURPRISE! "Bansk" flew in from Mexico, and "Hammy" drove 18 hours, picked up "Tof" (who sang in our wedding - all three were groomsmen) in Kansas City and they showed up on our doorstep to an overwhelmed and ecstatic Dan! He has no clue. It was the best surprise I think he's ever received. And the incredible thing is that the three were only here for a total of 12 hours! It was such a testimony of their love for Dan. Thanks guys - we love you and are so thankful for your friendship. You will never know what it meant to us to have you here!

Dan's party was so awesome - we had 27 people come over for dinner and it was so much fun! Dan was really touched. And so many of you sent cards, memories, photos, gifts and Dan's still opening them. He is so overwhelmed by the amount of love and prayers that have been extended our way. We will not know for a few more days what the doctor's final word is on the deployment but he's still set to go. And we will still not know for a bit what the final tumor diagnosis is but we are confident that it is going to be a good report. I will obviously keep you posted.

Thanks again for your prayers and love - we are honored by your friendship and loyalty to us. Here are the photos from the weekend (including one of the 2 ft snake in our road in front of our house! Eww!

Dan's Party

I was planning a surprise 30th birthday party/going away party for Dan for next week here in Louisiana. I had to tell him about the party last night though when we learned of his surgery and that he'd be hobbling on crutches - there was no way his folks would be able to get him out of the house to distract him while I prepared for the party! We do have some surprises up our sleeves though so don't worry! He will be surprised in other ways.

I sent out only a few invitations but I wanted to let you guys know that if you are interested in sending Dan a card with some encouragement, a birthday wish, a funny story, anything that you would want to say to him, please do send something. I intend on putting all of the cards and notes into a folder for him to take on his deployment so he can pull them out when he's feeling alone.

Please let me know if you are interested in sending something - it would need to get here by next Saturday, 10 October, so he can open it at the party. If you want to, just post a comment or send me an email and I will email you our mailing address.

Thanks everyone! I want Dan to feel as loved and as appreciated as he possibly can this next Saturday, so send something his way if you can :)

The Rain is Coming.... In Mass Amounts

A couple of weeks ago, I posted an entry called "Bring the Rain." I asked for the testing to be brought upon me. And boy, has it ever been.

To sum up what we have been quietly facing this week, Dan has had a baseball size growth on top of his foot for some time now. He got it checked out this past summer and bloodwork, XRays, etc and the docs couldn't really determine what it was. But they did say that it wasn't something to lose sleep over.

However, last Friday, he woke up and this growth on top of his left foot was doubled in size, red, hot to the touch and so extremely painful for Dan. For him to tell me that he is hurting means that there is severe pain for him... he won't even take a Tylenol for a migraine. He just doesn't hurt or admit when he is hurting!

We both worried a lot about it over the weekend and tried not to think the worst. We were also trying to determine who - if anyone - we should tell. We decided to keep it to ourselves (and I asked my mom and dad to pray for the situation but that was it). I just KNEW that this was going to cause Dan to not be able to deploy. How could he possibly go to Army Combat Training in preparation for this deployment following surgery??

Today, he was seen by an off-base doctor and to make a long story short, he is now having a MRI done Monday followed by surgery on Tuesday. The doctor still doesn't know what the tumor is, but that is what they are calling it. Tumor. What an ugly word. The doctor did say that he will be on crutches, in a cast but will be healed enough to do the physical portion of the training which will commence in a few weeks. So... deployment is still on.

And now we face the remaining 2 weeks together (exception of a possible Christmas holiday) until 2011 with Dan wearing a cast and hobbling around on crutches. We have his mom and dad coming next weekend, will celebrate his 30th birthday (a month early) as well as his going-away, go to New Orleans (tomorrow, just the 3 of us) and buy a new life insurance policy, a new laptop for Dan to take with him, pack him up for 15 months and send him on his way.

I know, you guys so wish you could trade places with me right now. ** Sarcasm intended **

I am bitter today. I asked for the rain, but I am still learning how to deal with the downfall. And I just don't have the strength. Right now, it is evading me and I don't see it within my reach.I am struggling to not get jealous or bitter or angry over simple things like my friends posting status updates on Facebook that they are "sad" that their husbands are out of town for a few nights.... I have NO place to be upset by that but I confess: this is a struggle for me not to compare the horrible nature of our situation with others and feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling too and I ask that you please pray that God helps me to overcome this self-pity I am feeling. It is a worthless feeling.

Many of you keep emailing me saying that you don't want to call because you don't want to interrupt my time with Dan. But please know that I need my friends and family right now. WE both do. Our phones have been eerily quiet because we know people are giving us our time together. And while that is appreciated, Dan wants to talk to his friends and loved ones before he leaves and I need to be distracted by hearing about what is going on in others' lives. So, call us and don't feel bad! I will tell you if it isn't a good time.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I just keep wondering when - if ever - this will get easier. And so far, it hasn't... only much worse. We need a break, God!

Our Boy - 19 Months

In my all encompassing preparation for Dan's deployment, I have failed to provide satisfactory updates on the love of our life: Noah! He's still here, thriving and excelling in everything (yes, I am biased) he does. Even to how he throws the football, he's extraordinary.

There's not an hour that goes by in the day that I don't nuzzle his sweet neck and tell him that he's the absolute reason I was placed on this earth. That boy has my heart 100%.

He's always been a verbal kid. Since 8 or so months, he's been just babbling and having his own conversations. But these days, it is so fun to hear him putting sentences together. He LOVES to listen for and watch the massive B-52s that fly over our house right before they land on base and he points to his ears and says "I hear paaanes."
And he's beginning his potty training and wants to go in the "poddy" just like "Melmo" (Elmo). He will run into the bathroom and just thrust his hips toward the potty and say "tee-tee, potty Mommy." Hilarious! I expect that it will take a bit longer to potty train him because he's a boy... and boys are just slower! But, we are slowly working on it. He will even stand up in his crib after a nap or in the morning and just yell at the top of his lungs "I wet Mommy" or "Poo-poo Mommy" so I know what I am walking into when I go get him out of his bed. And if there's a stinky when you change him, he makes sure to fan his nose and go "sheeewww!" He's learning quickly. He's also the most immodest little tyke I know. This past weekend when 22 month old Allie was here, they were getting ready for their bath together. Once naked, Noah walked up to her and grabbed (with BOTH hands!) her chest and yelled "Boobies!" WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT?! Not me! Man, we got a womanizer on our hands I think.
He's going to Mother's Day Out twice a week and it is a blessing for me. I need the time to myself to clean our house, work on my poli/sci course I am teaching and just have some quiet time with the Lord. It has been so incredible to me to be able to leave him in a safe, fun, and happy place for 5 hours twice a week and come home to absolute quiet. It is worth every penny to us for me to have that freedom. And our next door neighbor is his "teacher!"

Noah is SUCH a daddy's boy. I am not kidding: he sits by the door at the end of the day and waits on "Dallee." He and his "Papur" (Piper) wait with baited breath for Daddy to come home. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time knowing what is ahead of us and how hard this separation will be for Noah to understand.

He is all boy: he loves his tricycle, busses, trucks, cars, sharp objects, running around in only a diaper, playing in the mud, tearing heads off of dolls... All boy! He LOVES, LOVES to watch football with his Daddy too. Yesterday, he woke up from his nap an hour early to come back out and park it in the recliner with Dan for the rest of the afternoon watching Sunday afternoon football. I was in heaven having him so endlessly preoccupied. He called "chee-down" the whole game (for "touchdown"). It was hilarious.
Noah requires a haircut every 2 weeks. Otherwise, it becomes a curly, mullett mess! His hair grows like a weed - it is soooo thick and soooo long if left to grow for too long. People always think he's older than he is because of the amount of hair that he has.

He's a talker. Favorite words and sentences these days:

- Bus! - he screams it out randomly because he's so obsessed with school busses
- Come on, Papur - Piper gets bossed around constantly
- Cheeee toast - he's in love with cheese toast and that is one of the things he yells out when he's hungry
- Coooookie! - he sounds just like the Cookie Monster when he says it, too
- I.... Yuv..... Eww! - he tells me that constantly
- Jan-Jan/Graddy/Keddy/Dallee/MaMa/Babee - better believe he will point to a photo and can recognize any of these people. He's in love with his Jan-Jan and Graddy (my parents) and Aunt Keddy is his favorite playmate - he literally becomes her parrott and will repeat and do whatever it is she asks him to do or say! Dangerous :)
We are learning our colors (red and blue are the primary ones he recognizes right now), ABCs and he's also counting to 5. However, when I count because he's in trouble and I am doing the "1... 2.... 3...." he just doubles over in laughter and starts counting to 3 on his own! He hasn't yet gotten that it means he's in trouble.

He drinks out of regular cups mostly (there are only 2 sippies he has ever taken to) but sometimes will ask for a "baaahhh" (bottle) and since we have put him through so much in the past months and now his daddy is leaving, I indulge him. So, if you ever see him with a bottle in a photo, it isn't that we haven't weaned him, it is just that we allow him to have the bottle as a comfort item from time to time.

Noah's favorite foods are brocolli and cheese, chicken, cheese toast, popsicles (any kinds... mostly ice cream sandwiches though), cheese, "manas" (bananas) and frozen blueberries. He also starts each day with a sippy cup of milk and a Danimal smoothie... yumm! He loathes anything tomato based so spaghetti and pizza are out of the question. Go figure - pizza's my favorite food! Noah's a very healthy eater and I am grateful.

The best is that he now tells me when he's ready for a nap or bed. He will come up to me, tap my arm or lay his head on my leg and say "night night, Mommy" so I know it is time to go lay my boy down. What a blessing! Naps and bedtime are not confrontational in this home! He's still taking 2 (and sometimes 3) naps a day. They are usually an hour each - maybe a bit more - but he's sleeping 13 hours straight each night. He's a sleeping fool and you know when he's overtired because he becomes as defiant as the day is long! Not fun.

Noah Beall is such a blessing. He is the most delightful little man and we are falling more and more in love with him as the days pass. Knowing that God deemed us worthy of being called his parents overwhelms us constantly. Every night, I ask Dan what Noah's doing (once we have put him to bed). And every night his answer's the same: "He's being beautiful." Dan's given me that answer since the day he was born because we really just rejoice in every little thing about him - our favorite thing to do is go in once he's asleep for the night and just watch him breathe. We love seeing what new sleeping position he's maneuvered himself into or how his arms are thrown over his head or the expressions he has on his face as he dreams.

We are so happy to be a little family and to watch our perfectly healthy boy grow day by day. And these final weeks together are the most precious. We are doing fun things as a family like taking Noah to Disney movies or to the petting zoo and we are going to New Orleans this next weekend to spend 3-4 days down there hanging out... just the three of us. It is impossible to remember our lives without that red-headed wonder!

Friends and Fun Times

God has really blessed us with precious friends. Just when you need your friends and those who love you to pull through for you, they always do.

For example, Dan and I went home to Alabama last weekend and got to spend some much needed time with my family. Our dear friend Rob Beckenhauer (one of our groomsmen and one of Dan's childhood best friends) was in Montgomery at Squadron Officer School and he got to spend the weekend with us. Then not 5 days later, his sweet wife Lindsey, their daughter Allie, his mom and dad and their dogs came through Louisiana to spend the night with us on their way to Alabama to see Rob. Noah and Allie are 2 months apart and seeing them together at this "toddler" age was PRICELESS. We had such a wonderful time spending incredible time with the Beckenhauer family.

Another example of a great friend being totally selfless despite what is going on in their life is my friend Barry. Barry has a ton of things bogging him down right now, but you better believe he's calling me on a regular basis just to pray for me. I feel so humbled everytime my phone rings and I know it is him just calling to say he loves us and have him pray for us. In addition to his selfless friendship, Barry has begun collecting phone cards GALORE for Dan to take on his deployment to use to call back home from Afghanistan! What an AWESOME gift - thank you Barry! The Bealls love you.

And just when you need "pick-me-ups" by way of telephone calls, God always provides. This week has been reallllly hard for me - I am realizing minute by minute how scary our situation is and I have needed my friends. My precious friend Derek called me out of the blue the other day and even though he had sad news to tell me, he chose not to so I could cry to him and he could be there for me. He's allowing me to just be myself and weep to him and he NEVER tells me "Oh, it's gonna be okay" or "You are so strong, you will get through this." He says, "You know what: this sucks and you are dealing with a lot. But WE are going to be fine because WE are going to get through this together." AWESOME and much needed. He made sure that I heard WE because it isn't just me in this - it is everyone who loves me, Dan and Noah.

I just want someone to hear me like Derek did - this is a horrible situation and I don't want to be strong, I don't want to just "pull through." I DO want to cry about it for a minute and be sad and have a 5 second pity party because I haven't yet done that. So, I ask that you allow me some moments of selfishness because I need them right now! Then, once I am over it, I will pick back up and be strong again. But right now, I don't have the energy. I need my Derek and my sister, Kelly, who will look me in the eye and say "WE are pulling through this because WE love you and WE love Dan." I am a blessed girl.

Here are some great photos from our last week of fun time with friends in Bama and our Beckenhauer visitors here in Louisiana.

Our Home

I have finally taken photos of our new home! Now that we have been in it for about 2 months (almost) we have it just about finished. Next week we have blinds/shutters being installed in the kitchen and living room and this weekend, Dan is organizing the garage (bless him!). There are a few more pieces of furniture and a new flat screen for the guest room that we'd like to purchase but those can wait a little while. So, other than that, we are settled and enjoying our time together in our new home!

I am struggling right now, to say the least. Yesterday, Dan came home with even more bad news about this deployment. We were looking forward to a couple of "breaks" together while he was in Indiana in training that have now been taken away because he's been signed up for a Cultural Immersion Program. So, when he leaves in October, he's gone for good. The small silver lining is that he's able to (HOPEFULLY...) come home for a brief Christmas visit. But that is all the time we get at home together till 2011.

Needless to say, the weight of this realization is breaking my heart and I could hardly breathe all day yesterday. I hadn't really cried until he told me that news but that was the straw that did me in. We just held each other as the reality of being apart and talking about taking out a secondary life insurance policy, etc sank in. This is the hardest thing I have yet to go through in my life and my spirit is heavy. We are down to our final weeks together until 2011... wow. That is a hard pill to swallow. Prayers are needed.

If you would like to see the photos of our beautiful home, please either post your email address in the comments section or shoot me an email. I am not going to put the link on our blog because that's just wierd to me! You never know who could be looking at photos of your house! So if you are interested, just let me know.

Just Us

This past weekend, Dan took a few days off and we went "home" to Alabama for 4 much needed days of rest and football fun. We got to be there while my Aunt Mamie/Uncle Bob and Aunt Dodie/Uncle Dick were there visiting from Nashville. It was a really special time to be together. Of course, Kelly came over and stayed and brought her massive horse of a dog, Ruby, to visit as well. It was an all out party for the long weekend! And it is like visiting a resort when you step foot into my parent's new home - there is no other place like it on this planet.

We chose the beautiful setting of my parent's new neighborhood to do our annual family photo shoot. We started getting professional photos done when I was pregnant - it is DEFINITELY worth the money and time to get someone who knows what they are doing to take your family's portrait.

This year was especially important because of Dan leaving. I wanted to send him off with several beautiful family shots and shots of him and "his boy" tucked into his suitcase. These photos will always be so precious to me because they will keep my heart warm on many lonely occasions throughout these next 16 months while my husband is away. I hope you guys like them;I certainly do.