But the biggest concern I have is: will I be able to love her as much as I love Noah????
Wow. That is a huge confession for me. But I hear that it is common for second time moms to be worried that they won't have enough love to go around. I KNOW that I will, but I just wonder HOW will it be possible? I love Noah so much that my heart aches.
I remember blogging back when he was a newborn about rocking him and crying until my eyes hurt. I had never, ever known love like that before. Certainly, I love his daddy wholly - but it is a different kind of love. There will never be another Dan - no one will ever measure up to the man that I love and am committed to cherish for the rest of my life. However, as much as I love Dan, I cannot compare the love that I have for my child to that I have for my husband... It is just different.
So where does that leave Ellyotte? I guess this is just going to be different all around: she's our first daughter, the first granddaughter for both sides, Noah's first baby sister. She will inevitably fill a hole in this little family of 3 that we have and I just am anxious and excited to see the joy she will bring to all of us.
I am still experiencing nausea - and I still think that my doctor is right when she says it is just my body's way of cleaning itself out in prep for labor (although, I still highly doubt I will ever experience that). But I also wonder if I am not having some issues with my nerves. My whole life, I have gotten a "nervous tummy" over the slightest thing. It has gotten better with age, but I used to drop weight so quickly growing up because the slightest thing would set me off and I would fret, fret and fret some more until I couldn't eat or function well.
And to be honest, I am getting very nervous about cesarean section #2. The first birthing experience with Noah was soooo miserable and soooo upsetting that I thought for a while I'd never want to go through it again. (For those of you who weren't tuned into the blog back then, I went 10 days past my due date, was induced and allowed to labor for 36 hours before having an emergency c-section. The epidural that they gave me right before the surgery didn't "take" quickly enough so I felt a lot of pinching during the surgery and I.FREAKED.OUT to the point that they had to sedate me on the operating table. Not a good experience.)
After all of that, I wasn't able to breastfeed more than a couple of weeks - I just didn't have the milk. I would literally pump for an hour and get a teaspoon total. So I resented the fact that Noah had to take formula for months - I felt like a total failure till one day, I had to give it to the Lord and beg Him to allow me to let go of the guilt I felt for not being able to provide "naturally" for my baby. I had prepared for a natural birth and then wanted to breastfeed Noah for his first year of life. Nothing worked out the way I had planned it - and I am a planner.
So this time around, I have tried to not plan as much. We have her birthday on the calendar and our bags are packed and family is planning on being here, but aside from that, I have diapers, the pump out, and enough clothes for the first few months. This time around, I haven't planned out anything like I did last time. My expectations are non-existant regarding the surgery, the recovery and the breastfeeding (there's a can of formula on hand - just in case).
I have reached the "stick-a-fork-in-me-I'm-done" point and am so thankful for the weekend with Dan home and for Noah still going to Mother's Day Out twice a week. Even though sleep eludes me right now because of the discomfort, I am trying to rest as much as possible. But, I am soooo done with being pregnant for a while and am just looking forward to loving on our sweet baby girl SOON!
4 comments:
I remember the same feelings with my second pregnancy. I knew I would love our new little guy, but I couldn't fathom just how everything would fall into place. I don't think you share the love you have with the newest addition, instead it's like the Lord just opens your heart that much more to embrace this new little person. This probably isn't making much sense. I guess it's like before you have your first child. You know there will be this instantaneous and somehow ever deepening love for that child, but you cannot fully experience it until you're holding that little miracle in your arms.
This has to be such a surreal time for you. I do hope you are able to get some type of rest. I'll be praying for you.
Let me know how the non planning works! I planned for a natural birth and didnt get it either. I am still sad about it but I am going to try again the next go around if I dont have another 10 pound baby! Look and see if your hospital has a breastfeeding support group! My friend had a lot of trouble breastfeeding for the first 3 months but eventually was successful, but said that the group really helped her! In the beginning when I was waiting for my milk to come in and the first 3 months I pounded the water! I think I drank 4 of those 32 oz cups of water a day! There are also some supplements you can get to help with your milk supply at the local healthfood store, I forget what they are but the could probably help you!
Anyways.... I am sure you will love that baby girl just as much! And I love the toe shoe painting you have in Ellyotte's room! Im sure you are hoping for a little ballerina too! Im hoping Avery loves ballet! Cant wait to see pics of that baby girl! I will be praying for a easy c section, swift recovery, and success at breastfeeding!
I had those exact feelings!! I felt sorry for Campbell knowing that she wasn't going to get as much attention but then I also felt sorry for the new baby thinking there was no way she could be loved quite as much. Somehow, someway God takes care of all that! The fact was that I had to give Campbell even more attention to make sure she and I had special time together and to help her deal with her new feelings. Grandparents can really help with that too!!
The night before we left for the hospital I just laid in the bed with Campbell and silently cried knowing that it would never be the same again. And almost a year later (did you Sara Gray's bday is July 21st?) things are definitely not the same but better. It's wonderful getting to see how much the girls love each other and make each other giggle and even funny to see how the deal with one of getting on the other's nerves. So yes, your love cup with instantly enlarge and you will find that balance between providing love in different ways to Noah and Ellyote. I also found labor & delivery was a much more calm experience the 2nd time around-I guess Matt & I knew what to expect. So I'll pray that for you as well-a peaceful labor & delivery, wise decisions from your doctors & nurses and less nerves for you & Dan.
Katie- I am so excited for you and your sweet little Ellyotte. For some reason I couldn't get on your blog from my blog, but I just got it and I am so excited bc I don't think I knew you were pregnant...I could've known????? I'm crazy! Anyway, I will be praying for you and for Ellyotte. I hope this delivery is a wonderful experience!! We sure love every minute with our little girl!
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